Thursday, May 8, 2008

Take me out to the Ballgame...

My brother and I - we don't see eye to eye anymore, and pretty much never did - he lives in Orlando, really really loves Jesus, and was a pretty mean big brother - but I still love him, even though we only talk at Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Well, in keeping with last night's blog, I think I will keep talking about myself. This way, anyone who may actually be reading this blog, will stop, and will go about their daily lives thinking that I am one vain son of a bitch...


I like to be alone and quiet - given that someone else is there alone and quiet with me. I like to be alone at times, and most of the time, folks can tell by the way I say "Leave me alone please" that it is probably one of those times.

I like camping. I don’t mind being dirty and not showering for two days. I do mind camping and getting very drunk and not having a water source nearby to at least get my tongue off the roof of my mouth. I like camp fires, and dark nights and bedtimes in the woods as soon as the sun goes down. I hate Hilton - that fucker owns me.

I like good graces versus good manners. A thank you is always in order, even from the least trained and groomed - and the thank you can make up for a napkin in a lap, or using a salad fork instead of a dinner fork. A bottle of wine at the door is always a requirement for every visit, and no - don't expect to drink it when we walk in - it is a gift for the host. Open mouth chewing is disgusting, and food is made to taste good - not sound good.

I hate canned mexican food - it is too easy to make the real thing - and bone marrow is good for yard animals - Other disgusting culinary delights: escargot, giblets, chicken livers, graham crackers with powdered sugar icing, box cake mix batter (raw with eggs), egg salad on wheat thins,and steak fat. Southerners have been known to eat ears, feet, and tongue from just about every animal, and I have been known to eat a deviled egg out of the red water jar on the crack store counter. I detest caviar, large oysters, gritty clams, fishy fish, rice mix out of a box or bag, peas and most canned vegetables (excluding green beans which I love). I also detest mayonnaise (elephant jism), sour cream, cream cheese, or anything white that is not vanilla frosting. Now don't get me wrong - if you mix it in with something, that completely changes the nature of the whiteness.

I don’t like stopping when I want to keep going. This is generally never a problem with me, I don't stop until I pass out, have a panic attack, run out of money, or am arrested. I surrender to others when, at long last, I have exhausted my willpower to even deal with a tongue lashing.

I am selfish and egocentric and selfless and self defeating. I over analyze my decisions - and then worry about it.

I love my family.

I drink bottled water, but prefer tap water. The local flavor is important to me, and I sometimes feel a little hoity toity when I walk around with four dollars worth of water. My minivan (chicks dig minivans) takes $77 to fill up - even though just about everywhere it goes is within bike riding distance. I drive my mazda 94 miles a week. I am not politically active, but am politically educated. I vote because I believe in the power of one vote.

I’m lazy. I’m busy, and I am restless when I don't have too much to do.

I like it when other people are lazy because then I can be too - unless they are lazy all day, and then at 11:30 at night, it is time to do laundry, discuss the future of a relationship, and balance the checkbook - there are certain topics and things that can be postponed - and hey, if you want to do something that late at night - just do it, but please, don't wake me up.

I want my kids to be artistic and expressive. I want them to use paper and sharpies - even though it is kind of cute to see Gabe and Gray written all over the wall of the garage.

I lose patience when I’m ready to go and have to wait for someone else, especially if I’m waiting for them to turn off lights and do laundry when I just want to go have fun, or better yet, when they are explaining to the baby sitter the physiological processes that children must go through - and there are nine functions that define life or living, and I just don't have enough time to make sure the baby sitter understands all that. If the children are bleeding, or not breathing, please dial 911, then call my cellular.

I don't care when I show up somewhere - as long as it is within a reasonable window - early always bothers me more than late, but I hate being more than fifteen minutes.

I like warm summer nights outside with a Cape Cod, soft music, and folks who don't want to balance the checkbook or explain how I failed to separate the laundry properly.

I am a VIP Cardholder at Phantom Fireworks and blow shit up every year. My son was two when he lit his first firework.

I follow big trucks on the highway during the rain - they move water off of the road, and keep me from hydroplaning into the old lady parked on the side with her flashers on.

I have issues with murky ocean water - I like to see my feet in the ocean.

Snakes, spiders, dogs, cats, raccoons, and other animals don't scare me - tall buildings - sometimes I get vertigo.

I want to be cremated and then left at the place that does it. My legacy should not be a place to remember me, but remember my actions. It is cheaper to use the animal pound incinerator.

I like the dishes to be done after dinner. I can’t relax until the things are straightened up around the house. Not perfect, just straight. I like cooking to be a clean organized and fun activity - I can't realx if there is flour on the floor, melted cheese stuck the microwave, a dirty pan sitting on the stove top, and grease soaking into the walls.

I usually can't remember where I pee in the middle of the night. I have caught myself in the shower.

Showers serve a purpose - to scrub thine nasty body clean. Occassionally, long showers are acceptable.

I got really bored once and shaved my chest and stomach. The ingrown hairs and itchiness two weeks later proved to me that it was a bad idea.

I love travel - whether for work or for fun.

When on vacation, sex should be anticipated and enjoyed multiple times per day. When at home, it should be a requirement that once or twice per week is okay.

I have never joined the mile high club, but have certainly tried to come up with interesting ways that it could be accomplished.

That's all I have for now -


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