I am getting very excited about my trip this week - twenty four days - that's the longest I have stayed in one place for probably four years - and my wanderlust is peaking - we planned an excursion trip for Memorial Day weekend - three days in the desert, sleeping in the back of a minivan, with music and people and hikes and fun...lions, and tigers, and bears - OH MY....
Thursday is Vancouver or Mt. St. Helens - Friday is Mt. Rainier, Friday night is a long night on the town in Seattle - and then Saturday, Sunday, and Monday - three days, thousands of people, sticky high desert heat, and music - The Cure, REM, Modest Mouse to mention a few - some hard earned days with Aaron, a long wait for live Rythm, and the taste of cold beers followed by some restless hours of tent camping with the masses.
My feelings are jumbled...I am confused by what is going on in my life right now, so I plan based on what I have to finish today, and throw myself into 100% - it is easier that way - to be 100% at home when I am at home, and to be 100% away when I am away - laundry, dishes, yard work, family time, soccer games, breakfast at Starbucks, - 100% -
It may be selfish to think the thoughts that I have - being torn between two choices - one to be by myself, and to visit, the other to be completely together and forsake the wanderlust and stay - it is a strange world that middle aged men build for themselves - we have everything that we need, we want everything that we know is far far away, and we are not sure that the things that we have are the ones we bargained for! I think most men feel this way - they may hide it behind a rouge of church going, god fearing, hard working cover - but I do believe that men in general have a feeling of a bigger, larger world - and those men who do not, or who have lost that desire, are okay with the day to day routines and the normalcy of their existence. Maybe that comes with age, but I have met plenty of travellers who speak the same language I do - that there is something out there, and that they, whether good or bad, are going to be involved with it, going to own that memory as they would a piece of property, going to go...
It is good to be desired and needed - it fills some of the emptiness that we have - it is good to be able to give and not expect anything in return, it is good to be able to support and know that someone or a group of people rely on you for support - but at times, it becomes difficult knowing that this is the decision you have made, and if you morally (I say this in a southern baptist definition or catholic definition) if you are to reap the rewards, then you must forsake the other things - I think single mothers - no matter how tough it is, are single for a reason - they revel in their independence and ability to do it their way - there is a woman for every man and a man for every woman - and a father for every child, as well as a mother for every child, on this earth - and to choose consciously with all of the cards laid flat in front of you, is the greatest decision anyone can make.
I can say I am happy where I am right now. I am in the middle - walking the striped center line of the highway, occassionally dodging really big trucks, stepping over road kill, but enjoying what I am doing for the moment - that's the key I guess, to be able to enjoy where I am for the moment - tougher some times than others - but today, knowing that relaxtion is in the cards for everyone, and that families are together and laughing and celebrating and living - that makes the day better.
Until next time,
George
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