Wednesday, August 26, 2009
That's a strange term for a light these days - mostly you hear reading lamps, but this is my writing lamp- I have been camped out, off and on, inside of Room 213 for about two months now, and the most fascinating thing that I have found is the writing lamp - you can see it in the blurred smartphone image, and the edge of the computer screen - that's what I look at most nights, it is not terribly sad, not terribly lonely, it is actually frighteningly comforting to me - I know that when it goes on, things come out onto paper, and it feels good.
Today, in between the constant harrassment of thoughts of what could be, questions about what is supposed to be, and instructions about what should be - my brain actually slowed down long enough to taste the bitter coffee and the milky creme, and to think of those Monday mornings - I love them, but I hate them at the same time - they are the mornings that I am moving on, or heading out, or saying goodbye - but stating with uncertainty that I look forward to the next one. My dream Monday mornings are no exception, I thought of that ideal morning in periods of silence today - and let the cell phone stay put, left the cigarettes in the pocket, and just thought of that Monday morning.
It was 6:15 am, and waking up, I felt the comfort of another human being laying beside me, I felt the warm touch of the back of her leg rested over mine, and even before I could focus my eyes, I knew the soft brown skin and the curves of her back. She rested, and made that soft swirling sound in between breaths, and did not move, she just lay there, she seemed safe, and she seemed forever. There were blankets, tussled and thrown from the night before, and empty glasses of water, and suitcases packed by the bedroom door. There were towels on the floor, and books that were read and shared, but aside from the clutter, there was the quiet of the morning, the touch of her against me, and me against her, and the simple fact that it was another Monday morning - and I had the time to make it last forever. I love to watch her sleeping in the mornings, she is not the same confident woman after a few cups of Starbucks or a forty-five minute work-out, she is there, and at that point in time, just wants a hand and some of those soft touches on her spine, and light caresses on her neck. She is not the powerful, smart, funny, serious heroine that fixes things when they are broken, the one who commands respect, the adventurous wanderer - she is in need of more rest, and just in need of me to be there.
Those Monday mornings are tough to dream of - they don't happen often enough - and when they do, I suppose we get numb to those 6:15 wake ups and the sights and feelings of someone next to us. Those good feelings that move through your veins like wisps of cigarette smoke in bright light, tickling and drifting, they don't come every Monday - and if they could, we would just forget them, get out of bed, grab the suitcase, and move on to answering emails and rushing to make the eight am flight. Capturing those Monday morning dreams of brown hair and good morning smiles and still embraces are the things that I want to remember - and the things that I want to breathe in and capture, and just a little more frequently, have forever...
So, I am not really certain why this came to my head today - there were plenty of other things to think about, to do, but there were enough thoughts today running through my head like a New York City bus, that I think it was time to dream and think and wonder what those Monday mornings would be like.
Next time folks.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
That's the view from where I sit, and it was more than a beautiful evening in Toronto - the weather was dry, and although for the better part of the day, it felt like someone was stepping on my chest, the run tonight - that put things back in context - the wind is at my back now, and there are challenges that have to be pushed through - but it is always better when the wind is at your back. There is some sort of David Gray like haze in my head tonight...the Babylon complex I guess, the lights seem to be running at a blur in the view from my window, and the thoughts are going just about as fast - there does not seem to be any lack of clarity or vision - just a speed fast blur. Everyone seems to be upset, moving too fast, jumping from place to place, and me, I just watch it go by like a blur. It is not all that common for me to sit back and watch the blur go by, I think most folks that spend more than ten minutes with me say that I move too fast, think too much, and should go about three gears lower so that the rest of the folks can keep up with my brains...so tonight, it seems ironic, I ran as fast and as hard as my pudgy little legs could go, and my feet actually made it to that place where you don't really feel them move forward anymore, they just go, and things get quiet, and eyes stay focused on the skyline, the flat blue skyline of the outskirts of Toronto...
This weekend was more than an epiphany to me - it was a striking realization that life can be a blur, or it can be a quiet place - it can be that pace that you keep - when you are moving fast, but absorbed by life, absorbed by those things around you, and not blinded by the thought that it is all moving too fast - I sat with my son on Sunday, and he put his hand on my knee, and we laughed at the television - I was not watching - I was feeling his hand on my knee - and knew that he felt loved and needed and secure. I watched my daughter pull her lime green shirt out and the new khaki pants with the little embroidered flowers on them, and place her shoes next to them - and stand back, as if to say, my work is good, and for now, it is done. Sort of a constant feeling of courage and accomplishment - I hope to see that in both of them - a young man who knows the value of a touch, and a young woman who recognizes the value of her work -
For those of us who spend our lives searching for the next acquisiton, or the next big triumph - it is odd to get some clarity, not necessarily in where you are going, not anything to do with what you have done or have been, but clarity in where you are - for years, I always looked for tomorrow, and for the fix, but the reality is, the fix was in the next five minutes, and turning away from the wind - and letting it push your back and massage your legs and carry you farther - that moment yesterday, when I saw my little boy at the bus stop, what a thought - a strong, independent young man, confidently standing there, smiling, giving me a thumbs up, excited and ready - to hear his voice and to listen to him laugh - those are all good things...he has the wind to his back, and my little girl, who draws flowers and posts them all over my apartment, she has her sails full of joy and dreams - and I know, that as long as I am their father, that they will feel loved and happy and will be with me - no matter where the road takes me.
I am excited about my future. I have closure, I have fewer blurred lines and fast pace - I have a deliverable to make, and really, there is never a finish line - so why fight it, just turn and let the wind be to your back, run steady, walk, enjoy the time, and do the best that you can to make things as right as you can. As I ran tonight, that place came back to me - it is rare for many of us - but it came back - I ran as hard as my legs could push - and the sound went away, the cars were not there, it was just flat blue sky line and the feeling that I had something more - those visions of those children and a life without longing - it was there again. Even short amounts of time with that burst of energy make it possible for me to let it go, move my feet, and look forward to the next time.
Some very good advice was given to me about 7 years ago - advice I should have taken then - "This is no dress rehearsal" - and now, I know what that means - we are all human - and sure, we all flub our lines from time to time, and miss our cues, but tonight, and for many more nights - it is not a dress rehearsal - it is life, and thankfully, I made the choice to live it - again, finally. The best things in my life were with me this weekend, the worst things were pretty much exposed quickly, and the reality is, that the time with the best things is what I need.
That's about all I have for now - it's only 9:00 PM here, and I am tired - and tonight, I know I will sleep - with the wind at my back.