Monday, March 2, 2009
To paraphrase Bruce Hornsby - "That's just the way it is, some things will never change"....I have about twelve entries that are sitting in the edit box, that's a good place for them right now, awaiting some more attention and a few pieces of editing, then I will dump them out here for the limited audience to review, read, touch, see, hopefully be reminded of some taste or smell or feeling that is good and right.
Disappointment is never a good word to start a sentence off with. It is also never a good word to drop at the end of a sentence - it is, a pessimistic view and, from what I understand, leads the reader to believe that the theme coming next is not one of sugar-plum visions, but bags of coal and sticks...none the less, that is what I choose to start it off with today. This divorce thing, well, it is not an easy undertaking. Everyone throws out the obvious reasons - but most of those reasons that you read about are not the ones that are the hardest. For me, the hardest thing is re-designing me into that person that I always wanted to be - but was too comfortable, afraid, cynical, whatever - to make a mold for. It is easier to stay married - it is easier to go home to that comfort, and deal with the minutia, and be disappointed - than it is to seek a new life and way without much guidance, and even less support. I am not whining, far from it, my advice to anyone going through this is to stick it out, make the choice for themselves, and then begin building.
You can build your life out of almost anything - you can shape it around your personality - mine, tends to be one that gives. The white horse and the cowboy riding through town, stepping off the horse, giving the town what they need, and then, I leave - that imagery of the lone cowboy riding across the plains - contemplating, wondering, imagining a life where the white horse is put to pasture, and I stop wandering. That is overly dramatic, but sometimes, that is the way it feels. I have very few friends, but I give openly and freely. I have no loves but one, and I have few goals that I have not met. That is what makes it difficult. I can list off what I do not want - but I have never made demands or set boundaries, the white horse folks don't do that, they just ride in, ride out, and wander. That is just the way it is, and I am tired of it all.
Putting things in context, I do want. I want it to be mine, and to be whole, and it to be available. I want happy and sad and free and open and honest. I want to be afraid and uncertain and to not have to fix it. I want a two way street of success and failure, of pride and accomplishment, of disappointment and drive. I want nothing more than to be somewhere else, to be there, to be here, and to just be. I want to give, but also be given to - and never have to ask, just have it known. There are times when it is okay to distance oneself from the dusty towns and trials of friendship and love, and wander, but there are times, when, the horse is tired, the cowboy is tired, and the work, well the work just gets to be the trail itself, with little chance of reward, but certainty about the ride.
Not a great post, to much allusion and allegory - but it is jumbled up right now in my head, and if it comes across that way in this post - well, that is probably just how it sounds to me right now - I guess, that's just the way it is.