Friday, January 30, 2009

Another Thursday Night...

So, it gets cold in Maine - cold enough for the snow to pile up, and the trucks to have to folllow some sort of plow - it spits snow into the back of the truck - and then, what was wierdly surreal to me - those trucks dump it into the ocean - strange - trucks loaded with snow, dumping themselves into the ocean -

I was hurt tonight - oddly, it has been a long time since I have been hurt - by a few simple truths - I cannot take another Thursday night - well, where do they come from? Not really sure, but I am pretty sure that I want them to be in some sort of congruency and and togetherness. I love what hurt me, I just do not love the why of the hurt.

Not very often I get non-contrarian, not very often I actually expose what I have to be thrown out there for someone else to have, not very often that the freedom I have felt is afforded me - but tonight I wanted it all back - because of another Thursday night.

And so it is, just like she predicted - I have no false hopes, I just know that I feel the way I do - but - thanks to a little common sense - refuse to admit it to her tonight, as much as I want to. Bob (my new name for the lucky guy we all learn to hate who has not earned what we have all worked to love) will win, and so it is.

Yep. Another Thursday Night - that she cannot deal with - Yep. Another Thursday Night that I do not want to be without her - Yep. Good thing, but not the right thing.


Sunday, January 11, 2009


Not to humorous that I can't look at a clock on Sunday morning, and not count down the hours until I get back on a plane - a plane to Maine - I guess the good thing is that now I know George the Lobster (who, by mere scientific deduction has been found to be approximately 140 years old) will be sharing the Maine winter with me, he is going to basking in the sun of the Kennebunkport waters, me, I get the view of the bean factory from my office, but that's okay.

This morning, well we are having fun - Christy is damn near od'd on Hydrocodone, and I am sitting in green plaid boxers and my brightly colored bathrobe - we had an impromptu family party last night - Gabe, Gray and I decided that it was time to create a new Rock Band Alter Ego - we are The Rabbits - of course I am the drummer, Gabe Vocals and Guitar, and Gray, well she does what she wants depending on the song - it is fun -

The sun is starting to burn off the little bit of haze from the morning, it looks like it might be warm enough today to go to the skate park with Gabe, I don't own a helmet, and it has been 15 years since I have attempted a half pipe - but hell, I figure someone might get some good footage for America's Funniest Home Videos, they say it is like riding a bike, but I imagine the first time I drop in (about 80 pounds heavier than I was then) it will be an interesting concept in how gravity and momentum affect the other. The good news is that Sundays are generally slow at the skate park, so at least when I break my legs, there will be very few people there to witness the hilarity of the scene.

My Dad declared bankruptcy last week - this after the VA Doctors told him that they may finally need to amputate his leg - just a great week all around for me - I think there is something to this cyclical kharma thing - I can only think of one more thing to pile on - and hell, for all I know, that's coming pretty soon too!

I can look on the webcams and see up Dayton Street and the Kingston Holding Area, and the Edmonds Overpass, that is as close as I can get right now - I don't know why I put myself through that stupidity - but I do. I thought a large amount about that last night - I know your world, but you only have photographs of my world, and my places, and my kitchen floor. Sorry, no basement.

It was 11:11, but I made it through with nine minutes of typing, and listening to Gabe sing Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs...

Here we go.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Quiet Time of the Night

On the night of the biggest moon of the year,
the wind is still, the pines are not swaying or dancing or dreaming,
the children are sleeping off the winter sun of Florida and the horse rides,
It is the quiet time of the night.

On the cool winter evenings that make the South tolerable,
the only noise is a cricket or two, or a raccoon fighting with a cat,
the sounds have gone to bed to rest for another day, sleeping off the ocean smells,
It is the quiet time of the night.

On the eve of a new day and new fresh lives,
the cars seem to slow down, and the teenagers are stolen away,
the noise is limited to the sound of breathing and dreaming and thinking,
It is the quiet time of the night.

Every night, there is a quiet time of the night,
the books don't entertain, the music does not soothe,
the noise is limited to the sound of breathing and dreaming and thinking,
about the quiet time of the night.

Cold Park Music...

I think I finally found it...a simple twist of fate - how ironic...

A bottle of wine, and a box of candy...

Leads to this kind of behavior...nothing like waking up to Banana Flavored candy in the nose! I have not heard my son laugh so hard - it was a good thing.

Still thinking...

Not a good song to listen to right now...

The telephone.

Funny I find, about nine times a day,
some desire to hear or see or feel the telephone,
and maybe an "I am okay".
It is cold and gray, and lifeless in form,
but the voices it brings
are what used to be warm -
When it stops ringing or buzzing or blinking,
the voices stop with it,
and restore nervous thinking.
No silly hello or good morning or good night,
no mon ami,
no "by chance will you call again tonight?"
Funny I find, about nine times a day,
some desire to hear or see or feel the telephone,
and know things are okay.

I am working on discipline and direction, and everytime I want a call or want to call, I have sat down and written - to the extent that I can - I imagine for the next couple of weeks, there will be large numbers of things to write about - my imagination has run violently wild - and I am attempting to control it, but I don't really have much right now to control it with. I am not jealous anymore, I am not bitter, I am more or less resigned - not defeated, but resigned - they don't make emotional bandaids - I walked into the year with my eyes wide open, and walk into the new year even more clear than I was a year ago - I know what is best for me, I have made that choice - and I have to live with that choice - I also know what behavior is best for those around me - and it sucks, absolutely sucks to have to make that choice. I know where and who and when I want - I was never lied to, never given false hope, never told that this part of everything would be easy - but it was never a problem, until I fell too far. It felt good to fall, it feels good to be there, it feels good to know, but it feels horrible to see what happened to me, to us, those around us - I don't carry any guilt on the subject of the past year - I don't feel the need to be guilty - that emotion, much like flowers, is fleeting, and nothing good is built on guilt - but I do feel concern - and that is why I made the choice.

I know somewhere in the world, someone is thinking similar thoughts, and wondering and thinking and looking at the same telephone, but for now, everything, although tough, is okay...


Make it Start...

I can remember some of the most frustrating moments in my life, I think we all do - but for me, one of the worst times (this is strictly crazy) is when I first moved out, I started a landscaping business with a couple of buddies - we called ourselves "Starving Students Lawncare" - and basically had equipment from pawn shops throughout Tallahassee - I mean dirty old piece of shit equipment, but it was all we could afford with our $280 of start up capital - and keeping that stuff running, and getting it to run - well hell, that was frustrating.

There was nothing fancy about the green machine - it was an old mower with a Briggs and Stratton engine with a pull start. Let me tell you, I pulled that string a million times if I ever pulled it once - no matter how many times we overhauled the engine, lubed, oiled, drained, coaxed, begged, cursed that machine - you had to pull that damn pull string ten times to convince the motor that you meant business and that the yard you were about to mow was not going to wait any longer. I would kick and scream that damn thing, and by the end of our day, my right arm and shoulder was sore, and my hand was blistered and calloused from the brittle rubber handle at the end of the torture rope...

The funny thing though - we got it started everytime. We mowed the yard, and we dealt with the frustration - we knew we had to, it was all that we had to the job that we said we were going to do, so we pulled and pushed and repaired - and dealt with the frustration. It was not the perfect machine, but it did the job, and all it took was some hard work, and a few choice four letter words...

That is where I am now - I want to pull that pull string over and over and over again and make things start - I know this situation is far from perfect - in fact, it can't get any worse right now, but the equipment is there, I just need to pull the string - repair time is needed - some investment in getting the damn thing to run, a little gas, maybe even a few cursewords - well that should make it start - I know that there is a job to do - that there is work to do, that eventually, the yard will get mowed, and although I may be sore and tired and defeated, at the end of the day, I will get what I want - or what is best.

When you have very few choices because of the equipment you have, you tend to use what you have - well, truth be known, I want to make it start, and am willing to leave it alone until I am ready to.


The Biggest Moon...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Kicking the habits...

Are damn near impossible, if not just plain stupid to try. I am sitting, once again, on a Friday afternoon in the smoking booth in Atlanta being held together by nerve endings that are burned and frayed - misfiring emotion just about everywhere.

Sure, I do stupid stupid things. Sure we all pick up the phone sometimes, but last night, well, that took the first prize for stupidity. What exactly was I looking for, what response did I expect to get? Well, I pretty much got what I thought I would - and it was plain and simple - the parallels between Bob and Christy are almost perfect - the same logic, the same conclusions, the same reasoning. At least, this part of talking to him, wishing him and his family the best, giving in and giving up, it is done now, and I owe him nothing but respect for his boundaries and his home and his family.

Pretty much, if you ever need or want to meet me, I am in Hartsfield Jackson just about every Friday afternoon or every Monday morning - if you want to go away with me, that is where I will be - waiting for a plane or a friend or just getting ready to go away - that is where I will be. My cell phone will always be on, my blog will always be open, and my heart, well - that will be yours. Billy Bragg sings a beautiful song where he mentions the meaning of unrequited love - I will have to find that one of these days, and throw it on here - just for grins I guess.

Smiles have been hard today. Smiles have been hard for the past two months. I have fallen too far, and really don't care anymore. I want and need my fix, and in order to get it, I have to kick the habit and let choices be made, let families repair or falter, let Cadence decide - without me. It has gotten unhealthy - right now I don't want to go anywhere, I want to wait in the Atlanta airport, in the smoking lounge, and just wait. I don't want to see my children, I don't want to sleep in my own bed, I don't want any of that, I don't want to discuss or think or plan or anything - I want to wait - and that is what has gotten unhealthy - I am losing hope, and that, it seems, is the one thing that I had.

Cadence, you are my dreams, and I want you to know that it is your face and voice that passes through my mind first when I wake and last when I go to sleep. I want you to know that you deserve to be happy and strong and have a membership to the YMCA and be able to sit on the kitchen floor and just be. You deserve to be open and honest and held with no other motives, you deserve to be heard, you deserve to be able to make a choice and own it and live it and accept that choice.

It is sad to see upset people in the airport - I look like I dipped my eyes in bleach, and hng my head to hide my emotion - and try to pretend that no one is staring at me right now - but the nerves still are firing and misfiring, the face is still hot and flushed with emotion, and the heart, well, the heart is still full of Cadence, and the need to have her.

That, for now, is all I have to say. The saying part is the easiest these days, the doing part, that is different.


Sunday, January 4, 2009

It's has been too long...

Since I visited my trusty old private blog, the leaky bucket in the backyard that seems to catch all of the rainwater and make that comforting kerplunk with every new drop. I love writing, and reflecting, and hoping about things to come, and I don't know why I cannot sit down more often to reflect on a few things from time to time, and keep my journal company. Much has transpired in the past three weeks - I have thought about penning a few words, dropping some of my mental feces down on paper, but in retrospect, it has been easier to sit back, camp out, and let the stew in my mind simmer into a really good mix of what used to be solid thoughts and ideas.

Tomorrow morning, I start a new life - Maine - for four to six months - those new lives are always a little startling, challenging, fun, and albeit alone - they are new lives - I meet new people, who, after learning my lessons by laying one too many cobblestones of emotion in a path that seemingly will eventually lead somewhere, will be acquaintances who say, "My that George fellow is a hard worker, a little rough around the edges, but I know we could count on him." - Distance and Discipline have always been my yin and yang - distancing myself from the things that I want the most and refusing to be disciplined enough to force myself to get there - but strange currencies have found their way into my emotional bank account - and for some reason - I spent some time over the past several weeks - without work, without physical needs, without most of my emotional crutches, and thought about a new center -

I like travel. I like the quiet time that my world possesses, I like being selfish and selfless, I like being stressed beyond the norm, I like being better, and I like dreaming to set goals that may be unattainable. My world was always one of ease - I am not doting or bragging, but I do have an easy way with people and with work, and I am the sort of person who can roll with things - but that was sort of a falsehood that I was able to do without challenging myself - now - I challenge myself to speak up, not take it so easy, to bring others up to their level - I can only think of one person in the past five years that I have actually wanted to challenge - and in turn, challenge myself to be better - that may be a tunnel dream now, and that person might as well be a figment of a life that is nearly impossible to reach - but it was good to have - and is good to have -

Today I am going over with Aaron to take a look at a three bedroom condo - a brand new place - we both want a place to call ours, so we figure, between the two of us, we should be able to swing a $320 per month mortgage payment, and have a spare bedroom that we can call our own - we can paint it green or yellow, and hang velvet poker dogs, and play guitar and the cowbell until four in the morning, or even, we can just leave it empty, and when we need some quiet time, we can go in there and rest. Yesterday, I was worried about it. Today, I ask myself why - I blow $500 in a casino in two hours - I suppose I could save that time, and spend a little more on an investment that will be worth something when I am finished -

Speaking of investments - I am emotionally invested in a broad portfolio of places - and very few have ever paid off - I was worried about that yesterday too - no sense in that - I have some blue chip stocks, I have a few penny stocks, and I have a core investment that seems to be giving stable steady returns - the good thing is, that I have reaped the benefits of stupid investing - for once, a simple emotional investment paid off in spades - god knows (or buddha, or some other chosen diety) that I have made emotional deposits into time shares and ponzi schemes - but for once - hell, maybe for the last time - one finally gave some return.

Thanks for being there euphoria - it is good to visit with you, and let you take some useless pounding of keys.