Friday, May 9, 2008

Another Top Ten List -

I have been way too serious lately, and need to break the monotony with one of my infamously glib top ten lists - problem is that I don't really have a topic - I had to go to the doctor tonight, he told me my chest sounds like the chest of a 50 year old smoker, that I need to get over the whatever it is I have, quit smoking, go back to running, and he was surprised that I still had 98% oxygen saturation in my blood - then again, he did say that I should not have let an infection go three weeks without going to see a doctor -

But hell, I hate doctors. They stick their fingers in my ass. They stick needles in my arms. They smell like powdered latex and the onion and garlic sandwich they had for lunch. Their hands are cold, and they never give me a hug after fondling my groin or probing my anus. I think those are enough reasons to hate doctors.

I have been blatently selfish the past couple of months - and been pretty self absorbed. I read through some of my old blogs, and hell, they are all over the place.

Well, I guess the top ten list tonight should ten things to say to your doctor to get their attention....

Here goes -

1. "Doc, I can't seem to get the vacuum cleaner attachment out of my ass. The good thing is that it seems to have gotten lodged hole side up, so it's not really affecting anything."

2. "Oh no doc, I just scrape those skin cancer blemished off with my belt grinder"

3. "Hey doc, do you mind using two fingers?"

4. "Well you see, it's like this, it all started with with this idea I had about hair removal and gasoline."

5. "Doc, would you consider cutting myself with razor blades then bathing in rubbing alcohol sadistic behavior?"

6. "Man, I would fuck the shit out of your nurse."

7. "Have you ever seen a man unit like this doc - I mean this one is a one of a kind - you should see it work."

8. "Government medical programs may actually teach you guys how to charge me more for less - I mean hell I just paid a $15 co-pay to have your assistant tell me to guess my weight, breath deeply, and say ah - what do I get for $30 - a circus clown and topless midget prescribing antibiotics?"

9. "Yeah - but I thought armpit sex was harmless"

10. "Can I get rabies from getting oral from a raccoon - it's a long story, but my Uncle has this toothless racoon that really loves Peanut Butter - he's damn near blind, but he can find peanut butter just about anywhere!"

I know this was a weak attempt at humor - potty humor mostly - but I don't really feel very humorous right now, but it was at least fun to try -


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