Partnerships...

One would think, that being in the Mergers and Acquisitions Bidness, that I should have some insight and fix to partnerships - I had a conversation with a good friend today about that very subject - and why they always tend to end up dissolving into some sort of pissing contest and power struggle where there is generally only one winner, and a shitpot of losers - one can only deal with that for so long - generally, the silver back gorilla gets beat by a younger more impressive suitor, the king of the market gets toppled by innovation, the perfect mate gets pushed aside for a more compassionate and caring life partner...

Why do partnerships fail and why are they so difficult to keep anew? I have no fucking idea! I do know that there are definite changes in folks that, if I were to write down every time I thought of them, would probably make some sense - but I hear all of the time that I need to give specifics, and the funny thing is that I don't remember specifics - I don't waste my time thinking about the stuff that "someone done me wrong" with - I just know that it has happened, and move on - in other words, I put down the knives, pick up the Absolut, and make a fairly happy determination that they can go fuck themselves if they can't understand the punchlines...

So - for the sake of adding brevity to the subject, here goes my newest top ten list - "Partnerships and Why they Fail" -

Top Ten Reasons Partnerships Fail -

1. Money - There are two types of people in this world - Those who spend money, and those who spend more money - this is not an issue of having the money to spend - but an issue of who is doing the spending. What I have found in business and personal life is to just spend until you get a notice from the credit bureaus that says "Sorry, but we must come and repossess your dishes - including the paper ones" - no one can win an argument about money - so fuck it, stop arguing, and start spending!

2. Religion - There are those who believe in the soft fluffy white heaven, and then those who believe that those are delusions of grandeur perpetuated by one's inability to realize that just about everything in our life is terminal - just ask a priest - he will tell you that you will die - and then ask him about heaven - see how clear his answers are after that. My motto - pick a large number of dieties, and spread the risk, besides, your neighbors will get a kick out of you slaughtering a chicken in the backyard during your annual Santaria festivus.

3. Sex - There are two types of people in this world - those who like sex and those who are dead. So don't lie to your self - if your partnership is failing in either business or personal life, try something new like throwing in a monkey or a goat - besides, if you follow my religion rule, you may have to throw in an animal or two just to meet the needs to get to it's respective nirvana. But seriously, sex is actually the only free thing in the world that really feels great - so why the big hub-bub - put out, move on. (Or don't - but just don't fucking complain about the time in between random encounters).

4. Jealousy - Probably more important in business relationships - jealousy creates new and diverse problems. Trust me, I have read an encyclopedia of employment agreements, and could really create a shit storm if I was that much of an ass, and did not value the money that my job provides me to accomplish spending like a hooker at a health clinic (see reason number 1)...But really - who gets what is a big deal - me, I just want to go to sleep without having to talk about rule numbers 1, 2, or 3 - and hopefully getting to partake in rule number 3 without having to worry about the top tens to follow - and in all honesty - who gives a shit what other folks have or are getting - does it really make you feel good if you are the one doing the screwing versus the one getting screwed? Trust me, everyone gets screwed unless you are God, and if you take rule number two seriously, start your own religion, and tell people they must kiss your ass - and that should end the jealousy (unless of course you become jealous of those guys in Colorado and Texas who get 17 wives - which to me sounds like a little bit of hell...)

5. Intelligence - This is a huge problem. I don't know what happens in partnerships, but sometimes, one stares deeply into the eyes of a business partner or a life mate or a friend and wonders where the hell their brain cells escaped to, and what can they do to stop the leaking before they are feeding their dear friend jello from a spork in some mental institution. Another case in point - when you read Cassanova, Steinbeck, and Hemmingway for down time, and your business partner just asked you if you got the special "Scratch and Sniff" version of Penthouse Forum - it's probably not long before you have to dumb down your approach to business (if you have three green m&m's and eat two of them, then you only have one left - in reference to your business line of credit), decide that you can live with such trivial matters as "Beaver Hunt in 3D". or just say fuck it, lock yourself in a closet, and wait until your partner leaves to serve the papers officially dissolving the partnership.

6. Music - This may sound stupid - but have you ever sat next to the guy/gal that insists upon playing "Meatloaf's Greatest Hits" every chance they get - nuff said - fuck that partnership -

7. Activities - Now there is nothing I like better than eating, drinking, running, swimming, gambling, smoking, talking, laughing, etc - but I like them in excess - try making that work with someone who would prefer to do one at a time. This is somewhat related to the intelligence thing - some folks can't handle a large amount of stimulation - and when I bring carrot cake to the office and tell a joke at the same time, I can usually sort out those business associates who can barely handle making it to the men's room before they "make water in their good boy underwear"....

8. Sex - I think I discussed this one before, but being the male that I am, well, hell, it is just that important.

9. Competition - How obvious is this one - competition brings out the best and the worst in folks - now you may compare this to jealousy, and if so, that's fine by me, but think about it - everyone wants their "fair share" and wants the trophy they envisioned - they want to win things the way they anticipated winning - well, sorry to say, you entered into the agreement with preconceived notions, and you pretty much shut your eyes to the reality of the deal - if their is a winner - there is a loser - so take off the boxing gloves, sit down, and just give up on a few battles - even if it means using cheaper toilet paper, watching sex in the city, and having to have dinner with someone who barely can hold a fork without stabbing themselves in the forehead...

10. Time - I can't fix this one - time is the enemy of all things permanent and all things temporary - partnerships just die. They do, and the clock is partially to blame - we all know the short amount of time - either consciously or subconsciously - so be aware of this - two hour meetings mean two hours of time not spent doing something else - so get your ass out of the boardroom, laugh together, enjoy business, enjoy the company, and remember, time is never on your side -

Not as funny, but hell, I did not feel like being too funny - just enough to keep folks reading - tonight is a quiet calm night, the fight is about to start, the drinks are cold, and the ball park franks taste especially good with grey poupon and vermont white cheddar - so, besides the fact that I am sitting in front of my computer (alone), things are good, and I can roll into bed with rythm in my head and visions of green beans with Sunday dinner...

Until I sober up....

George