Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Oh Doubt, and a Girl by my Side...

What a song, what a song. Nothing better than spraying down the patio, washing away chunks of burned ping pong tables and dead hibiscus leaves...

I have a girl by my side every minute of every day, just about every portion of my life right now is consumed by some cold flame, and to extinguish it, well, it just makes no sense and is not what I want to do.

The patio was slippery today. The fake red tiles that I painted over concrete don't absorb the soap, the bubbles just sit on the surface and scurry around in the wind and grow larger from the spray of the hose. I spent a large amount of time out there - that was about the only place I wanted to be, alone, on the patio, with the cool water from the hose, the slick feeling of soap on my feet, and the bright Spring Florida sun beating down on my back. Yet there was still a girl by my side. A reflection of me, a part of me, a piece of me. I think I started a while back to go through my relationships, and I stopped the exercise, because in all reality, I don't like looking back and analyzing those things - they were what they were - I think it is kind of like washing the patio down with soap - all of the yucky stuff and the sticky odds and ends get washed away, and the only thing left is a fresh clean smell and damp concrete for the cats to cool off in the shade.

I am supposed to be in Seattle this week - I cancelled - I am asking myself why - but those answers are obvious - I can't be in Seattle this week. I can't be in Edmonds this week. I can think about the issues, I can enjoy the success, and I can still talk to Edmonds - but I can't be there - it may be out of fear of how I would react, knowing that it is nearing an end, or how others would react with the same knowledge - but like I have said in several other posts, it is simply a fact that I have chosen to ignore at most acquisitions - they all end - but this one, I don't want it to end, I don't.

Honesty is a tough thing when you have so much to lose - I read on the web every day about text messages and emails and blogs and improper communication - but standing back - what, once again, am I losing - nothing - I am gaining - someone else is losing, and therein lies the problem - nobody wants anyone to lose -

I don't feel very good about my decision to not go to Seattle - I feel like I through off one thing for another - cowardice? compassion? control? Maybe a little bit of all of the above - but I can always talk to Edmonds, and there will be other trips to Seattle. Right now though, it is just not what was right - I think.

A demain.


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