Sunday, November 30, 2008

There you have it.

Well, considering I am now probably half way on the road to earning a PhD in child psychology, and well on the way to earning the "Worst Husband of the Year" award - the conversation went with the children, and as expected, Gray did not understand, and Gabe understood all too well -

Are you going to buy a house on Linwood Loop so we can see you? Are you going to come to my soccer games? What are we going to do on the weekends where it is just you or it is just Mom? All fair questions, all with tough answers, all coming from a very aware ten-year old who just wants to make sure that things are certain before things get really really uncertain.

Finances - wow - what I mindfuck that whole discussion is. I don't even want to begin with that one, hell, I am going to have a good job (I think - lest my buddy Bob made a few phone calls, sent a few text messages, and I get the honor of sitting in front of Judge Judy again) but I am going to have about $2,200 per month to show for it. That is what it comes down to in the end - how can we still act civil, how can we still be together, and how can we still nurture our children - all the while, how can I eat? I suppose it is not that bad - I travel all of the time, so eating is more of a company supported habit - but somewhere between car payments, loan payments, and the daunting task of finding somewhere to live - hell, that is going to be a nightmare...

This has been a very lonely, very shitty, very hard, very strange weekend. I have turned off my phone, and occasionally turn it on in hopes of hearing how things are going, or not going, or if the conversations are the same or are different, but the sad thing is, that I expect the worst - the worst for me that is, I guess, in some odd twisted way, it may be the best. None the less, tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la.

In a way the lack of contact has been good, it has not tainted my conversation, I think the belief that nothing is left has made it easier for me to be more honest here - I was initially afraid of losing everything, now, I know that I probably will be independent, will still have a job to do, and will be a well-wisher from the sidelines, my feelings have not changed - my voice still wants to scream out to be whole - but the reality has changed - and that has tinged my thoughts with more of a scientific approach than the emotional reality - I am respecting wishes, but wishing for something different.

The conversation sucked. The children understand, and are aware, and we are not hiding it from them. The parents know, the cousins know, the friends know, the guy at the grocery store knows, everyone knows - and frankly, with the exception of a few details, it is good to let everyone know - I am not a liar anymore, I am not a theif anymore, I am George - and George did this and George is going to survive and continue providing what he always has - with the exception that George is going to be okay - and not hurting those folks around him.

Yeah, no phone calls. That has sucked, my mind has created the best scenarios and the worst scenarios, but always seems to get stuck in between the two...not knowing is worse than knowing everything, and there you have it.

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