Saturday, November 22, 2008

Break, Breaking, Broken....

Go fuck yourself. That is always the way I want to wake up in the morning - at least it is emotion - a real, solid, tangible emotion that can be felt - as if I don't fuck myself enough already - hell, I beat off so much in the shower now, that everytime it rains, my dick gets just a little hard....

It is easy for me to play it off, that's what I do - I play it off - I just joke and smile and laugh and play it off - no big deal....well, it is a big deal, a big dead elephant laying in the front yard that I have tiptoed around for the better part of a year now, not really knowing how to deal with the real and daunting aspect of the pain that someone - yes, someone - it is yet unamed, pain that we all have to go through at one point in our lives...

It was cold in Maryland tonight. It was fitting to be cold. The phone calls were pointless, the text messages left me in the same spot that I was before - stuck in between being a man, and stealing something away and defending the honor of that treasure that I promised...I did make that promise.

The photos in this blog, somewhat stupid - but the first one - out of a million, hell out of six billion people, why did I or better yet why did we have to fall upon each other like some accidental meteor strike that wiped out all of the dinosaurs - only in this case, it wipes out marriages and all of those preconceived notions of what we thought we could live with - look at those nameless folks just cheering, not a single one of them interested in us - just there - and I ask myself why - was there a bigger message out there that I should have listened to 13 years ago - probably - but then again, I was just another face in this crowd - not expecting the meteor that hit - to ever hit.

The hall at College Station - white, pristine, tall columns, bright scholarly light welcoming you into the library to say come learn with me - those are the eyes that Iron & Wine sing about in Such Great Heights - the eyes that I see now every day. You know, I studied hard, and still don't know the meaning of impetuous or cathartic - even though I suspect they sound good in a sentence, but would probably never be used in calling a football game, or blurted out in excitement as I wash dishes, or as an adjective for describing my coworkers.

Finally, reality. I like Edamame - I like it flash frozen, and stuck in the microwave for five minutes with a piece of cheap Papa Johns pizza, and a cold Coors Light, that is what I like. I like it when people snore, and fart, and burp - and don't have to be ashamed about it. I like it when people know the pictures in magazines are fake, and the wrinkles are going to come one way or another - I like it when I can be told I am an asshole after furious lovemaking - I like being left while she is away working - I know where she wanted to be and where she was - I like pissing people off and making them happy.

But let's get back to the title of this post - Break - I never meant to break anything, not what I had, (as little as it may be), I never meant to go through breaking - and I heard and still hear the cracks of both relationships straining and failing under the reality that something is missing - odd the weight of something that is not there... - and then being broken. I am broken. I am broken for stealing away the emotion of a married woman. I am broken for taking or even asking for time that should be somewhere else. I don't want that man to feel that pain - but life goes to those who choose. Why can't I choose? I am a broken, indecisive, yellow tree dweller - I am afraid. That's why I am broken.. I should choose.

No comments: