Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Hardest Day Before the Hardest Day

Kind of a confusing day. The mind plays evil, insensitive tricks on those of us who actually fill our brains with emotion, and are smart enough to think of the difficulty ahead. The talk was pretty clear, we both agree that there is really no hope - I will not be trusted again, She will not be hurt again, and we both will not be poised to strike at the drop of a hat. That conversation was pretty straightforward - we do enjoy each other's company, we enjoy having our kids together, we even enjoy doing some things together - but we don't enjoy being married - the stress, the decisions, the roles, the lives that we have built apart from one another have created two different people, two different people that have been building into individuals over the past seven years (as far as we can tell).

Tomorrow, I am not looking forward to. Tomorrow we talk to the children about what is going on and the changes that are going to take place - how do you talk to a ten year old son and a seven year old daughter about the end - of their lives as they currently know it - in all reality, I am only home on the weekends, call them everyday, so I guess they see me every other weekend -

It sucks to discuss numbers and living arrangements and behind all of this try to keep some dignity, even though you know you are going to be 37 years old, and living in a dingy apartment or in the basement at your parents house. The funny thing is that it sucks to know that you are going to be an absent father - who has to call and set appointments to see his children. A father who knows he is about to break their hearts, and then is going to do his best to repair them.

Discomfort is probably natural in this situation, I wish I would have been the one to tell my wife what happened, and not have it happen in someone else's time. But I made those choices a long time ago, and that is where it is. You know, I don't wish I could wind back the clock, there are too many things that I have been through in the past seven or eight years that outweigh the things that have happened, I just want to move on. I want to do it with some pride intact, and with some love for my family still out there - without getting thrown to the wind as the dad who never really was a dad. I imagine the infamous letter that comes in the mail may destroy those chances, but I have been on the defensive all day, and can be on the defensive all year - there are no excuses, it is what it is, and it was what it was, and well, that is another hurt that I cannot talk about right now.

It was an awkward day, we agreed to sit through the holidays - to stay put, and work through our differences as adults. We agreed to try our best to separate our love or lack of love from our friendship - we agreed that we do sometimes enjoy spending time together, and that we do want the best for each other - we just ran out of wanting to live together and put more effort for both of us to be rewarded with disappointment, hard feelings, and more repair.

Fear is not one of my strong suits, I am not afraid of much - but I am afraid for my children. I want them to have everything - and for some reason, I feel like I am about to rip a piece of their youthful innocence from them, it hurts, because I know what that is like.

If I could share these feelings I would with someone, anyone - but I am tired of talking to my dad and my sister, we are keepng ourselves together, we are keeping it simple, and we realize that this is where we need to go - do I feel regret, sure, do I feel relief that the truth is out, sure, but do I feel afraid about how it is going to work - of course. Do I feel like I just need to leave now, pack my things, and move - now, and get out of the elongated process, sure - but I stay for the kids until the holidays are over, and we go from there. New Years is going to be tough.

Tomorrow is going to be a very difficult day - I have been told that Dad and Mom are still going to be Dad and Mom - just from different houses - I hurt for my children, but I know that if I keep hurting and Christy keeps hurting, that our children will hurt as well - and neither of us want that, so there we are - done.

Life is never perfect, hell, I may lose my job over all of this, I have lost my family, to some degree by choice, but I just feel like I am entering into a new world that does not necessarily offer the best of times for the next year or so. Time to try and find a party or balloons or something to celebrate. But I will do that after tomorrow, after I crush my son and daughter, and after I hold them and love them and leave them.

The hardest day...

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