Saturday, November 29, 2008

Sweeping up after the Party

You know, sweeping up the morning after the party sucks. Sure, everyoe had lots of wine and laughter and food and beer and jokes, but getting up the morning after and cleaning up the sticky stale cups and the half eaten plates of food and trying to pry your tongue from the roof of your mouth really really sucks.

My life has been a party for the past year - I had things to celebrate and to hang balloons for and to dance to, but I am afraid, I mean very afraid that the party is over. When you don't hear from the guests, and you wake up, and you just need a cold drink of water, well, I guess you know the party is over.

I don't know if this is a common thing - I have never done this before. I want to respect wishes and give space, I just don't want my heart to feel like it has sunken somewhere into my gut, and my head to swim around with thoughts of what if and why. It was an odd feeling last night, and then this morning, waking up, together, but alone - both sequestered to our respective and assigned sides of the bed, separated by more than pillows, I sat on the patio and thought to myself - and there is only one thing that I could think about - when I should be thinking about a million other things, there was only one thing that I could think about. Ironic, I guess - usually when you sweep up after a party, you just don't think, you go on remote control or auto pilot and force your way through it, and make it work. I don't want to go back on autopilot, but maybe I will - self-preservation or just plain sickness -

I don't think there are going to be any new invitations to any parties anytime soon. I want my invitation back for the last one. I don't regret anything, I don't hate the guests, I don't feel ashamed. I want my party back and want to celebrate it, and want to save the sweeping up for some other morning.

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