Quiet.

Shhhhh, we all need to be quiet so we can hear things. Little things, like maybe the phone ringing, or the hum of the television set, or the sound of the housing creaking and warming and cooling in the Autumn Florida sun. I had a great morning, filled with hot showers, more of those frozen chicken quesadillas and I actually motivated myself to unpack, do some laundry, take a shower, and even felt vibrant enough to brush my teeth. Kind of amazing to me, when it feels like I don't have the energy to lift my arms or walk or even turn on the television - sure everyone has called, except my kids, and everyone has said Happy Thanksgiving, and sure I am Thankful if not happy, but the hardest thing to deal with is the quiet.

I am avoiding the other side of the house, I have to walk by and catch glimpses of things in the kids rooms, but they are just things, there are no children laughing - I even started attempting to tell myself that they were just out on the trampoline, and that I would see them soon enough and that I would be there as well.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am depressed - no I am not depressed in a clinical way, I am sad. I will be happy today at times I think, but I am sad right now. I keep thinking about getting out the Christmas tree and the decorations, but that is a family thing, maybe I should hang the lights about the house, but even that requires thinking beyond January 1, 2009, and right now, that is not a good thing for me to try and do.

I did find a grocery that is open in 3:00 today, so I am planning on going over there - maybe a big steak for dinner with a baked potato, or maybe I buy and cook the biggest turkey I can find, or maybe I smoke a brisket, who knows - I just need to be somewhere there are other people who are not drinking, not whining, not complaining about their station in life at this given moment - I don't need to hear all of that - Toilet Paper and Cleaning supplies sounds more like what I need.

Last night, the truth really came out. I think there had been thoughts of it for a few months now, and in a way, I wish it had come out sooner, or never - I told the truth too - I should be somewhere else - and I am not. I wonder what they are doing today. I am jealous, to be there, and to see them, and to be okay. Right now, I am not okay with it, I am not the only loser in the deal, there are several, but right now I am the one who is intently focused on the noises that are happening around me - shhhhhh, it is still so quiet...