Sunday, November 23, 2008
Well, today was the first day of the rest of my life - I hate that saying - maybe today was the last day of the first part of my life - that makes more sense - it has closure and some meaning to it - I keep picking up my Treo in hopes of seeing some random text message or some quote or something...just something to let me know that the past year was not a waste of my time - that it really did keep my hopes alive for a better place - funny, but the past year probably saved my marriage - more than it destroyed it - I did not have to focus on those issues and deal with the boredome and the hesistance and the lack of freedom - I had everything that I needed, and was able to preserve the image of a happily married couple with a traveling husband and a stay at home wife who played a shitpot of alot of tennis.
How did I spend Day One - well, Coors Light and Bowling. That's what I did - in some sort of odd twisted bowling alley, where the Dayglo pins and blacklight lamps made the flouurescent pink and green bowling balls look like a trippy a streak of enamel rolling down the wooden alley. Maybe I am the Big Lebowski - fucking no way dude. I enjoyed watching my son and daughter rolling those balls - and then checked my phone like a heroin addict looking for the last bit of brown tar in the little baggie..,just like the junkie, there was no fix, so I kept up with the Coors Light, and rolled the fourteen pound pink ball at the Dayglo pins...that was Day One.
There were phone calls, I talked to my Dad in great detail - about what happened, about where to go, about what to do, and about what I felt - and what I thought everyone else felt, and what I should feel. He did not have much to say about that - he told me he loved me. That was enough for Day One - I just needed to share. Sure, I talked to my sister, but I learned my lesson about that in today's conversation - I will not make that mistake again - blood is thicker than water - but hell, apparently, not too thick to make sharing and confidential an option.
I thought alot today. I thought about camp outs and parking garages and Volvos and Chef Boyardee and just thinking and laughing. Where is Vanilla Swiss Almond when you need it. Where is courage when you don't have it. Where is peace? Fitting for a Sunday to be looking for that peace, I don't think God is going to spare me from this - I think time is going to be the only band aid. Tomorrow is going to be another Day One. I will deal with these Day Ones piece by piece - when there is silence, I will distract myself. When there are people around, I will throw myself into that activity, and when there is just me - well I will work through that as I can.