Saturday, March 29, 2008

Terminal thoughts at 4:15 AM

The Atlanta airport is an empty place at 4:15 AM - you catch a nap from time to time on an empty chair, stroll around, go have a lemonade from one of the two places that are open (Wall Street Deli on the A Terminal and O'Charley's on the C Terminal) and wish that you had not been left behind by three or four minutes off of the flight that could have you home in your own bed, not feeling tired, not thinking of home, not wanting to have taken the bump and slept in Seattle for one more night.

It has been one of those weeks for a traveller - it started out wonderfully, and it looked as if it was going to end wonderfully, but those Spring snows in Seattle had a way of making it damn near impossible to get out on time, and of course, no plane waits for no man - so here we are having terminal thoughts on an early Saturday morning.

Terminal is a funny word - there are many things in life that are terminal - hell, for that matter, life is terminal - I have a friend who went to a funeral the other day and we got into that discussion of what we would want done - and how we really don't have a choice what happens to us...I would think the best thing that could happen after I leave is that everyone brings their favorite adult beverage to a calm place - perhaps the patio in my backyard, and carries on about life - that's all - nothing more - don't bury me, don't even claim my shell from the hospital, just get together a few days later, and have a beer or two, and decide what to do with the rest of your life. I don't have any real thoughts about the hope of the afterlife - so the pomp and circumstance that surround the entire death thing, in my opinion, should be wasted on those things in life - like birth, love, family, and friends. It's too late to honor someone when they are dead - who gives a shit - their dead...

I think the only thing in life that is not terminal are those relationships that never end - you know the ones - where by circumstance, or by time, or by no fault of anyone, they just go away - but somewhere in your mind, they are still there. The never really died their natural death, but were forced apart and just float around (sort of like a ghost relationship - except I don't believe in ghosts) looking for somewhere to be more comfortable within the world of your brain. You grow accustomed to the haunting feelings and the longing they occurs from time to time, and endeavor the occassional what if, but you never really reconcile what really was happening or what really was supposed to happen. I wonder if these loves haunt us because we know they too would be terminal if we would have seen their course through? Or is it merely the fact there is no certainty in their finality that causes us to ask those what if questions - I mean we lose jobs, lose money, lose keys - but can you really ever lose a love?

I am not a what if kind of person with exception to the above - I don't spend hours wondering about what could have been or should have been, it frustrates me. I spend more time tinkering with thoughts on what is, and what it is perceived to be - for the traveller, the what is grows to be more important than what might be - if you worry about the rest of the world going on outside of your sight line, it gets too complicated, and too difficult to focus on the task at hand.

With that being said, I think I am going to walk around the terminal for another hour or so, and think about what is going on, and why it is going on, and what I can do to make sure that it isn't one of those things that will continue to haunt me...

No comments: