Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Insomnia and Praying for Sleep...

Another interesting accident that happens to the 92%er is the lack of sleep - and the chance to catch sleep when you can - 9 hours twice per week on an airplane, late dinners, odd emails, and time differences create an abundance of bright lights that blink somewhere between your cornea and your eyelids - the schedule never stops, the thoughts get cloudy, and the places all run together...

My biggest thought right now is cheese and a roller coaster - the click,click,click,click as the old chain pulls the wooden cars up the track - in all reality it is the antique clock with paint that is a little hazy about fifteen feet from my bed, but it is nice to think of the thrust of the rickety cars as they plummet down the weathered wooden tracks and bang against the thin steel laid over the top of the wood.

I never have had so little sleep in my life - I think I am running on 9 hours in the past three days, but the schedules keep coming, the demands for time are still there, and the answers are still requested. It is easier to fall asleep when I fill my head with cold Coors light or a good swig of Nyquil - but right now, I am not sure that I want to sleep - or risk a dream that might give away a secret or two. Someone has told me that I don't breathe at night when I sleep - that it is like someone who holds their breath too long under water, and then gasps for air as they reach the surface - but for some reason, after two hours I feel more alive, I feel rested and ready to go at another day.

There is an overabundance of stimulation these days - 600 television channels, playstation, books on demand, over the counter remedies, but there is no real solution to just getting tired and trying to shut off the old thinker for a little while and sleeping. Some people can sleep in the midst of a fire, some people sleep their entire lives away and wake up in hospice care, and some people just never want to sleep - I think I fall in the latter - I am always afraid that there is something to miss, something to think about, something to see.

Sleep has the power to enlighten, it is a gift, an object of desire, but I am deeply in need of being awake, I don't want to dream, I want to feel the real thing and accept the jet lag as it comes - I particularly want to think more of my choices, and my travel, and silly fun things like my cheese and another sip of cold agua, agua, agua.

I rested peacefully the other day, maybe a week ago, I was with a friend at a park and their child had never ridden a see-saw - it was after a 3.5 mile run, and the air was cold, and it was serendipitous to see that family at the park - the laughter as the old log fulcrum went up and then down was enough to put me to sleep, who needs to dream when laughter like that brightens the day, and makes schedules go away. It was similar to the coy smile my daughter gave me tonight as I put her to bed - she just smiled and said "Daddy, I am funny like you" or my son, whose eyes lit up when he heard I was cancelling my trip- and hugged me tightly around my neck. Those feelings, burnt CD's, norwegian daisies, Austin music, and uneasiness are keeping me up nights, and I can't say that I really want to go to sleep...

Long winded rambling, but hell, I am tired.

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