Tuesday, February 26, 2008

500 Miles...

"If you miss the train I am on, you will know that I am gone, you can here the whistle a blowin 100 miles" - that was on the radio this morning, and it brought back a sense of youth for me, sitting in the car with my mom and stepdad - a brand new Ford Granada Station Wagon complete with an 8 Track player, and a free CD from the fine folks at Ford Motor Company - we listened to Peter, Paul, and Mary for about a 5,000 mile camping trip from Orlando to Chicago to Philadelphia, and seemingly all points in between.

Somewhat important this morning was another couple of paragraphs that I read, and then I thought about the 10:00 visit with the marriage counselor and that I was 500 miles away - in fact I was 3,000 miles away as that man talked with me, and the tears of my wife dripped on her cheeks - I felt as if that if there was something I could fix,I would have done it years ago - but I don't know that I am able to do the work - I think now I am somewhere else in my life, somewhere different. I am very tired of being a project for someone - I don't want to be the Model Airplane that sits pretty on the shelf and dedicates its time to looking perfect, and to be occasionally dusted off, handled, and put back away until next time - that is not much of a life, in fact, it is more of a purgatory -

I have had several loves throughout my life - Veronika, Leigh Anne, Jennifer, Christy - those are the romantic sort of loves, and of course there are many more with other sorts of options - but I don't want to share those things right now - I just want to enjoy what I have. I want Mine as well - and I don't want to take the easy way out - there are more than two choices, there are an infinite number of possibilities - I want to do the hard work, and want to be full of life -

Someone told me that I was sorrowful and empty - that cannot be further from the truth, I am full - full of life, full of happiness, full of pain, full of hard work, full of the willingness to give 100% to whatever it is that I am doing at the time - I will admit that I search more than others, and am less afraid to express that - but I am so far from sorrow and emptiness right now that I cannot feel it unless I force myself to.

500 miles - there is something for me 500 miles away or 5,000 miles away - there is something for everyone - everywhere - it is just a matter of making the decisions that we all have to make - and that is where the struggle comes from - what do we do - well, generally, we dream about 500 miles away, and stay in that safe circle 5 miles away -

I can't do that anymore.

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