Saturday, February 2, 2008

Lila and Second Chances

The Jewish Doc called this morning, I guess my Dad shared my blog with him - he is a great guy, tells it like it is, and eats more carrots than any person I have ever met. It was a strange and exciting conversation, but none the less, it was good to talk with him. He reminds me of a co-worker, Bill, a Jewish accountant - a great guy who refuses to quit working because if he did, he would have to spend more time dealing with his ex-wife's taxes, at least at work he gets to drink his coffee in quiet and have a free lunch every now and again.

I had a strange dream this morning - one of my wife's best friends, Ellen (and probably the strongest person emotionally I have ever met) has a little girl - Lila - she is an image of innocence, simple beauty that smiles when you smile, and laughs when you laugh. The picture I put in is a great picture of my huge left nostril - but more importantly, that was the best nap I have had in a long time.

There is nothing more pure than laying next to that brown eyed child - she would nuzzle against my chin - perhaps to feel closer, maybe to feel warmer, or just to let me know that she was still there, and still wanted to sleep and be held a little bit longer - the great thing about that nap was that she gave me just as much warmth and made my heart glow as much as I gave her safety and security.

Well - to the wierd dream - I suppose I was much older, and Lila was as well, but she still had the same face - and the same smile, and she asked me if I could help her "Have a Do Over" - that's basically the concrete stuff I remember - but it has kept me pondering all morning - we don't really need do overs - what we need is do agains! I have pigeon holed my life into compartments - your work, your friends, your family, your issues - each one into a manageable compartment that I can open or close when I feel the need - but it's funny how the brain works - we want to get control, but in all reality - all it takes is that one stop light, or the guy in the cubicle next to you eating fish at lunch, or a strange look from a loved one to break down those barriers that you have - and put them all back into disarray, and then we spend a few more hours re-filing those issues after we spray the cubicle down with Febreeze and politely yell at the guy who has now managed to make the entire office smell like a fish market.

I was in the city in October, and went for an early morning walk to the bakery with Lila - the wind was warning us that winter was coming, and the trees has changed their green outfits for something seasonally appropriate. I sat outside the bakery with Lila as she laughed and giggled - Ellen was grabbing something for Lila, and I was taking something from Lila - her laugh was healing those grown up parts of me, making me realize that she did not have to worry about the life we grown-ups create for ourselves - and her innocence and smile were all that I needed that morning to feel better. That's a little Holden Caufieldish, but we can all agree that a child looking into your eyes and grasping your hand with those little fingers is the best expression of love that there is.

Ellen has the patience of a saint - she is usually a recipient of my late night musings, and wisely turns off her telephone - (I have scrubbed her phone number, and the only time I can remember it is when there are three or four bottles of red wine involved) - and I am lucky enough that most of the time she does not answer, there is nothing I really wanted to talk about anyway - other than to just talk.

This life is no dress rehearsal, and we do not get second chances - everything is a first time, so I guess the best advice that I can give Lila in that dream is - today is what you have, think - but not too much, love - but not too little, dream - but not without action, and live - today.

Until next time


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