Honesty and Stupidity...

I hate the travel, and I hate the time away, but I realize I am no longer away...

Somewhere between these two realities - there is a wierd sense of being alive- and I do not mean in the sense of a beating heart, I mean in the sense of a world outside your window that beckons you to make a decision....

Tonight, I made more decisions, and discussed more life than I wanted to ever do - it is wierd - I have fallen in love with the sullen emptiness of Edmonds, but feel as full as I ever have in my life. The strange thing is that my heart is broken and I feel every ounce of pain that my wife has felt from me, but at the same time< I also realize if together we are not better, then we have to make a decision - and simply put - I am not sure where my work needs to be,

My wife is a beautiful woman - six feet of pure blonde hair, blue eyed mystic that has teased me for over half of my life - and now I question whether that's what we need together - for so long, I have had this beautiful support, this crutch, this dream to make my life okay - and frankly, so has she.

I don't want a crutch anymore - I want a spirit, a soulmate, a friend, and mostly - someone who can accept the cards at face value, and realize that sometimes, yes sometimes, your full house will be beat by a royal flush.

I keep going back to my son and daughter, and seeing my son's face as he looked into the distance at a baseball game waiting for that flyball to come his way - even at a perfect place - and wonder to myself - how long, how strange, and how much do we have to do until everyone realizes that it does not really matter - and that love and time makes things better - even if the ball does not land our way.

We have a chance in batting practice to catch a fly ball, and sometimes we do - but even better - we have the opportunity to hold a game ball - and you know what - the game ball is so much better...