Sunday, January 4, 2009

It's has been too long...

Since I visited my trusty old private blog, the leaky bucket in the backyard that seems to catch all of the rainwater and make that comforting kerplunk with every new drop. I love writing, and reflecting, and hoping about things to come, and I don't know why I cannot sit down more often to reflect on a few things from time to time, and keep my journal company. Much has transpired in the past three weeks - I have thought about penning a few words, dropping some of my mental feces down on paper, but in retrospect, it has been easier to sit back, camp out, and let the stew in my mind simmer into a really good mix of what used to be solid thoughts and ideas.

Tomorrow morning, I start a new life - Maine - for four to six months - those new lives are always a little startling, challenging, fun, and albeit alone - they are new lives - I meet new people, who, after learning my lessons by laying one too many cobblestones of emotion in a path that seemingly will eventually lead somewhere, will be acquaintances who say, "My that George fellow is a hard worker, a little rough around the edges, but I know we could count on him." - Distance and Discipline have always been my yin and yang - distancing myself from the things that I want the most and refusing to be disciplined enough to force myself to get there - but strange currencies have found their way into my emotional bank account - and for some reason - I spent some time over the past several weeks - without work, without physical needs, without most of my emotional crutches, and thought about a new center -

I like travel. I like the quiet time that my world possesses, I like being selfish and selfless, I like being stressed beyond the norm, I like being better, and I like dreaming to set goals that may be unattainable. My world was always one of ease - I am not doting or bragging, but I do have an easy way with people and with work, and I am the sort of person who can roll with things - but that was sort of a falsehood that I was able to do without challenging myself - now - I challenge myself to speak up, not take it so easy, to bring others up to their level - I can only think of one person in the past five years that I have actually wanted to challenge - and in turn, challenge myself to be better - that may be a tunnel dream now, and that person might as well be a figment of a life that is nearly impossible to reach - but it was good to have - and is good to have -

Today I am going over with Aaron to take a look at a three bedroom condo - a brand new place - we both want a place to call ours, so we figure, between the two of us, we should be able to swing a $320 per month mortgage payment, and have a spare bedroom that we can call our own - we can paint it green or yellow, and hang velvet poker dogs, and play guitar and the cowbell until four in the morning, or even, we can just leave it empty, and when we need some quiet time, we can go in there and rest. Yesterday, I was worried about it. Today, I ask myself why - I blow $500 in a casino in two hours - I suppose I could save that time, and spend a little more on an investment that will be worth something when I am finished -

Speaking of investments - I am emotionally invested in a broad portfolio of places - and very few have ever paid off - I was worried about that yesterday too - no sense in that - I have some blue chip stocks, I have a few penny stocks, and I have a core investment that seems to be giving stable steady returns - the good thing is, that I have reaped the benefits of stupid investing - for once, a simple emotional investment paid off in spades - god knows (or buddha, or some other chosen diety) that I have made emotional deposits into time shares and ponzi schemes - but for once - hell, maybe for the last time - one finally gave some return.

Thanks for being there euphoria - it is good to visit with you, and let you take some useless pounding of keys.

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