Monday, December 22, 2008

Ah The Sights and Sounds of Christmas...

Now, if anyone has ever sat at 295 and Walmart on San Jose - then you know where I am coming from - you see, I live in a part of the Country where WalMart has an eccentric mix of cars in the parking lot, and it is not uncommon to see a 1978 Chevy Pick Up with a 24 inch rise and tires from a used bulldozer parked next to the newest Lexus that not only parks itself, but also reminds you to get off of your damn cell phone when you are sitting idle at a green light. (Which, by the way, if you have sat at the light at the Wal Mart, you would know that this is a useful addition).

On my way home from the gym (yes, it is a statement of fact that I do work out at Christmas - sort of like those folks who only go to church on Christmas and Easter - well I go to the gym because everyone else is either at Wal Mart or Church). I saw no fewer than three "shooting of the birds", heard one beautiful "F*&^ YOU" and was cut off by one of those trucks as described above - being driven by some zit inhabited college student fresh home from one of those great schools of south (Florida, Florida State, Alabama, Auburn, Georgia....notice I do not mention Miami, because as we all know, everybody who goes to the U of M is from somewhere other than the South - their relatives moved here to get away from the hustle and bustle of the City, and turned South Florida into a place that Floridians moved away from) - I do find it interesting that as much as we educate folks in the South, that even the young college kids strive to get back to their youth and imitate rednecks...educated rednecks, but rednecks none the less.

Christmas is upon us - the lights sucking the last bit of coal out of West Virginia, the lines at the liquor store, the wonderful news of waiting in line for hours for a cancelled flight, and of course, the happy excited people at Walmart beating the hell out of their children as they get those last few fishing lures for Daddy...what would we do without this time of year? Well - here are a few ideas that I would like to share - perhaps they will catch on, and in 2009, we will change our current traditions to these:

1. Merry Krispy Kreme Day - This is a most important new tradition. You see, we are expected to gain weight during the holidays - and this way, everyone camps out in the parking lot of the Krispy Kreme, and in the morning, the attendants hose everybody down with the warm, sugary creme. The new Claus is represented by that person that you see eating a whopper on one of those electric carts in the WalMart.

2. Happy Credit Card Day - This holiday, is one where the banks, without any particular reason, raise your interest rate to the maximum default rate - oh wait, they already have that holiday. (every day) - Well on this day, we all get charged $39.00 for a late payment fee, and then think of all the money we saved by not having to buy gifts.

3. George Bush Day. Since there was a large amount of conversing with the one up on high during the past eight years, I think he should be in here somewhere. On this holiday, all spelling errors, unilateral attacks, stunned looks, and shoe throwing are instantly forgiven.

4. Joy to the Merle Day. Instead of having to listen to Christmas Carols all month long, this one day, every radio station plays nothing by Merle Haggard. It can include duets, and cameos, but this day, we don't have to suffer through relatives, just twenty four hours of Merle Haggard.

5. Love thy Neighbor Day - this one is pretty self explanatory - heaven forbid you have ugly neighbors.

6. Three Wisemen Day. This holiday, you actually acknowledge the three people in your life who may or may not be wise. Caution - one day of frivilous ass kissing can lead to months and months of self-loathing, so treat this holiday with some respect. Given that it is close to raise time, you always want to add your boss to this list.

7. The Twelve Days of Cranberry Sauce. Think about it, a diet of cranberry sauce for twelve days. Not only would you be regular, but your lips would have the look of that new Delta safety lady who looks like a botox experiment gone horribly wrong...

8. The Little Chicken Drummettes Day. Tyson Chicken Drummettes. Mmmm Mmmmm Good.

9. Wrapping Paper Day - this holiday, although a bit risque, is fun. Everyone wraps themselves in Clingwrap - and congregates to sing their favorite Beatles song. Although this may not be attractive, just think of all of the people you know sweating to "Give Peace a Chance".

10. Happy Tuesday. To hell with it, let's celebrate the most underappreciated day of the week - Tuesday.

Now you make think I am a grinch, or trying to take the Christ out of Christmas, but no - ah no - I am merely pointing out that most folks have done a pretty good job of that already - so let's just officially change the holiday, forego the visits to relatives, expensive gifts, stress, overeating, traffic, hangovers, yadda yadda yadda - and just have a day to celebrate -

With that being said, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Merry Krispy Kreme Day everyone. Here's to a healthy new year - and don't forget on December 26th, there's only 365 shopping days until Christmas 2009!

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