Thursday, December 11, 2008

I don't think...

And I think just about everyone could agree with that at times. I am sick of thinking. Really I am. I am sick of thinking of arms that are not mine wrapped around something that is, and taking something that I want more than I can explain. It sucks. It just plain sucks.

You know, not having a nickel to your name puts a new perspective on life. I could easily go back to the home I know, get a boost, and be a man again by begging for a nickel or two - but you know what - the four mile walk in the cold was good. My ears, well they are cold, my toes, they are perhaps a bit colder, and my fingers, well they type. I can at least keep them warm by holding them close to me. They remind me of you. Holding them close to me.

Tonight I broke the myth of trust, that I would not do something stupid, and I did. I hate emails, I hate text messages, I hate it all. I want to be next to her. That's it, plain and simple. I know that this is not a game, I know that there are real things for her to lose, but the truth is, I want to be next to her. Tonight, tomorrow night, I want to be next to her.

Nothing more to talk about. Things hurt. Shit, everything, for some strange reason or another hurts. You are right, I do not think. I just want, and for all intents and purposes, that is where I am.

This sucks. A ten year old who wants his dad, a man who wants you, and 3,700 miles and a world of decisions in between. My shoulders are broad, my brain is strong, but my heart - it hurts - and I have come to one conclusion, it is because - I don't think...but I do know that I love you. Simple. I love you.

No A Demain, no JT OBWE, none of that - I love you. The rest, well, I understand the rest, and so it is, just like we said it would be. You are not leading me on, you have been honest, and I, well I, have fallen too far to lie.

I think it is easier now, to say goodbye, you go on. Please. I want nothing more than to be next to you, and just smell you - that sounds kind of weird, but really, just smell your smell, and sense you next to me - i dont sleep without that pillow that is you, without that dream or hope of a dream that is you - it hurts. I want an hour - a cup of coffee, a hand, a hug, a hello. I want brown eyes and hair and a simple sweet giggle - but I know that those are the pillows that I cling to now. They will keep making pillows, but you know, there is one you. I can make sad substitutes for feeling alive next to you sleeping and breathing and holding, but I can't make you.

Goodnight. I hate saying goodbye, but I am afraid that my words tonight pretty much made sure I had done a good enough job of saboteur - losing just about everything, well that is priceless - making a decision to give the rest away (when it was never yours to give) well, that is where I am. I love you.

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