Sunday, December 7, 2008

Throwing in the Towel - from both corners...

Let me preface this by saying that I process my pain through humor. People don't understand that at times, and it may be emotionally unintelligent - but it is the way I deal with things. When push comes to shove, nine times out of ten, you are the only one who can decide how to process your hurt and disappointment - and for me, this is the way I do it. You don't have to like it, you can say it is callous and disrespectful, but the reality is - I need to process the things that I have created, and the pain that I have caused, and the pain that we are both feeling and working through right now.

Now that I have given you the Mr. Rogers put on the cardigan and take of the dress shoes and slip into the comfortable sneakers disclaimer - you can read on if you want to - if you don't - hell, go have a glass of Cabernet, and stop worrying about the way people process things....

Well, by this time, I am pretty sure that everyone with the exception of the guy who has been scrubbing pipes in Alaska all year knows that Christy and I are handing in our rings, and trading them for an equitable distribution of assets and time, and we both agree that life is going to be inevitably better for it.

There are a million reasons behind our decisions - mostly it comes down to us not being able to decide what pattern of everyday china we wanted to purchase for ourselves at Christmas - and you know how quickly having to eat off ugly plates can destroy a relationship. I mean, we were fine with the flatware, but the china - that was just too fragile a subject for us to handle. In all reality, that is all anyone out there needs to know - both of us respect and care for one another, want to stay in this good place with our decision, and really don't need the prodding or questioning from our friends and acquaintences - it takes two to get married, and the funny thing is it apparently takes 439 to get divorced (that is exclusive of attorneys, counselors, the guy you have to call to do a change of address, and the single guy who lives down the street who is too worried about making child support payments to deal with anyone else's shit...)

The funny thing is now, that we both realize for years that we have poured ourselves into trying to be the person that each other wanted the other person to be, better parents, better providers, better friends - but through the immense number of conversations, we have come to the conclusion that if we would have spent ten minutes a week talking about what we really wanted to be - and worked on being the best that we could be as individuals - we would not have fallen into this situation of getting tired of being something we were not...

We have two beautiful children, we still have beautiful home, Christy is the best mother and friend anyone could ever ask for, and I am still a pretty good provider and friend. It goes without saying that both of us hurt for our children,for each other, worry about how the other is going to be, and frankly, are scared shitless about how we are going to make a go of it as middle-aged divorced parents - who just want their kids to have the best of everything.

That's enough about that - now, to the advice column for those of you who are thinking about, going through or discussing divorce - here is a top ten list of things you should never do when working through a divorce:

1. Don't ever - I mean ever - sleep naked. Not only do you open yourself up for a Lorena Bobbitt experience, but you also open yourself up for those penned up comments about the way your gut is bigger than your Johnson.

2. Booking a trip to Hedonism III is not a good idea - and asking if you can take that weekend off from visitation is not really good either. (Note - do not use your wife's or husband's credit card to do this)

3. This one is not a never do - if push comes to shove, and you really really need to stop arguing - the "I am Gay" card works really really well.

4. Don't argue about the pots and pans. They are in very close proximity to very sharp, heavy objects, and trust me - sharp heavy objects are not your friend.

5. Don't ever say "I never liked you in bed" - this is generally followed by "I thought it was just me".

6. Don't ever fight over the belongings - in the end, remember, you have to move that shit - and some of that crap (like the computer table you had to have with the granite top and the included firesafe) is pretty damn heavy - and by this time, if your friends are still sticking by you, they are going to refuse to move that monstrosity.

7. Don't ever expect your in-laws to understand - remember, you have been a prick/bitch from day one - and surprisingly enough - you are still a prick/bitch.

8. Don't ever pretend that you are comforable as you are going through this crap,the fact the you are telling jokes on the phone does not mean it still does not feel like Jack Lalaine Juiced your heart, and Mario Andretti parked a Ferrari in your ass.

9. Don't ever think that there is enough money. There is never enough money - and there are more than fourteen million two hundred thousand seventy eight ways to try and distribute it. Picture Chris Farley and the man down by the river - get used to either sleeping in a van, or keeping it as a very highly likely possiblity.

10. Don't ever try and schedule holiday parties jointly - the reason they don't put lions in the same cage as gazelles at the zoo is enough to describe this situation.

That's the list. Now everyone who cares to read this post knows the truth, and knows that neither Christy nor I care to go into details - but we do need and want your support through all of this. We want the best for one another - and for now, the best things in life are our children - and we are going to do the best we can for them.

1 comment:

JDubyaSee said...

Oh my God!!

Bro, I am so sorry for both of you. I stick by BOTH of you and would not only help move stuff, but a body if necessary (neither of yours, of course, I'm just sayin' that is how close I feel to both you and Christy).

I am also dealing with it in humor and it is the only way to handle travesties of this nature per Jimmy Buffett on the live "You had to be There" album. What a time to find you. I am here for you, bro, and her too.

Sounds like you are worrying about the important stuff - the children. I believe they are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Give them a sense of pride... Yada, yada, crack is whack...

I am here for you, my man, in all seriousness. God bless all involved. If this is some kind of joke, I am beating the shit out of you...