Friday, January 9, 2009

Kicking the habits...

Are damn near impossible, if not just plain stupid to try. I am sitting, once again, on a Friday afternoon in the smoking booth in Atlanta being held together by nerve endings that are burned and frayed - misfiring emotion just about everywhere.

Sure, I do stupid stupid things. Sure we all pick up the phone sometimes, but last night, well, that took the first prize for stupidity. What exactly was I looking for, what response did I expect to get? Well, I pretty much got what I thought I would - and it was plain and simple - the parallels between Bob and Christy are almost perfect - the same logic, the same conclusions, the same reasoning. At least, this part of talking to him, wishing him and his family the best, giving in and giving up, it is done now, and I owe him nothing but respect for his boundaries and his home and his family.

Pretty much, if you ever need or want to meet me, I am in Hartsfield Jackson just about every Friday afternoon or every Monday morning - if you want to go away with me, that is where I will be - waiting for a plane or a friend or just getting ready to go away - that is where I will be. My cell phone will always be on, my blog will always be open, and my heart, well - that will be yours. Billy Bragg sings a beautiful song where he mentions the meaning of unrequited love - I will have to find that one of these days, and throw it on here - just for grins I guess.

Smiles have been hard today. Smiles have been hard for the past two months. I have fallen too far, and really don't care anymore. I want and need my fix, and in order to get it, I have to kick the habit and let choices be made, let families repair or falter, let Cadence decide - without me. It has gotten unhealthy - right now I don't want to go anywhere, I want to wait in the Atlanta airport, in the smoking lounge, and just wait. I don't want to see my children, I don't want to sleep in my own bed, I don't want any of that, I don't want to discuss or think or plan or anything - I want to wait - and that is what has gotten unhealthy - I am losing hope, and that, it seems, is the one thing that I had.

Cadence, you are my dreams, and I want you to know that it is your face and voice that passes through my mind first when I wake and last when I go to sleep. I want you to know that you deserve to be happy and strong and have a membership to the YMCA and be able to sit on the kitchen floor and just be. You deserve to be open and honest and held with no other motives, you deserve to be heard, you deserve to be able to make a choice and own it and live it and accept that choice.

It is sad to see upset people in the airport - I look like I dipped my eyes in bleach, and hng my head to hide my emotion - and try to pretend that no one is staring at me right now - but the nerves still are firing and misfiring, the face is still hot and flushed with emotion, and the heart, well, the heart is still full of Cadence, and the need to have her.

That, for now, is all I have to say. The saying part is the easiest these days, the doing part, that is different.


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