Saturday, January 10, 2009

The telephone.

Funny I find, about nine times a day,
some desire to hear or see or feel the telephone,
and maybe an "I am okay".
It is cold and gray, and lifeless in form,
but the voices it brings
are what used to be warm -
When it stops ringing or buzzing or blinking,
the voices stop with it,
and restore nervous thinking.
No silly hello or good morning or good night,
no mon ami,
no "by chance will you call again tonight?"
Funny I find, about nine times a day,
some desire to hear or see or feel the telephone,
and know things are okay.

I am working on discipline and direction, and everytime I want a call or want to call, I have sat down and written - to the extent that I can - I imagine for the next couple of weeks, there will be large numbers of things to write about - my imagination has run violently wild - and I am attempting to control it, but I don't really have much right now to control it with. I am not jealous anymore, I am not bitter, I am more or less resigned - not defeated, but resigned - they don't make emotional bandaids - I walked into the year with my eyes wide open, and walk into the new year even more clear than I was a year ago - I know what is best for me, I have made that choice - and I have to live with that choice - I also know what behavior is best for those around me - and it sucks, absolutely sucks to have to make that choice. I know where and who and when I want - I was never lied to, never given false hope, never told that this part of everything would be easy - but it was never a problem, until I fell too far. It felt good to fall, it feels good to be there, it feels good to know, but it feels horrible to see what happened to me, to us, those around us - I don't carry any guilt on the subject of the past year - I don't feel the need to be guilty - that emotion, much like flowers, is fleeting, and nothing good is built on guilt - but I do feel concern - and that is why I made the choice.

I know somewhere in the world, someone is thinking similar thoughts, and wondering and thinking and looking at the same telephone, but for now, everything, although tough, is okay...


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