Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Energy Juggling.

First, let me say that my life has a large number of jokes - I take life and try and compact it into a series of funny but unfortunate events, and then look at them as if someone else was living them - but now, today, yesterday, and for the future - I can't think of anything that I would ever want to mold into a joke less than where I am now. I am in the most honest and most difficult time I have ever lived - I spend my time looking for more time to spend - and really, I should get more credit than I am typically given - this is not a joke, a game, a simple thing that I am doing - it is not a failure, it is not a shortcoming, it is not a distraction, and will never be a joke. Us travelers have to remind ourselves sometimes that as we climb to new heights, the fall only gets more painful - and the summit is still out of reach.

We all have to juggle sometimes. We have to throw six or seven or eight or fourteen different things in the air, and have to hope that we can keep up with the hand movements and the eye coordination and the colorful things that we balance precariously in the air - just long enough to grasp each one for a short amount of time.

I was very energetic today - why? Not really sure, but I have a pretty good idea of why - the sky was as blue as I have ever seen it in Washington State, the wind was no longer cold and brisk - but actually comforting, the company was tired but happy, and the work was simple and redeeming - that is why.

I also received a nice note this morning - that I sit with right now, and read through, and have put it into context with another blog (somewhat depressing and needy, but completely understandable) that I just read written by someone I follow very closely. Promises - hmmmm - I think promises are a little over-rated, especially where I am standing right now. I prefer respect and reflection - I can't promise anything to anyone - I can respect them, respect the time, the beauty, the space, the place where we are, and will always look at this time as cherished, loved, and open time. I have not been in this good place for a long time. I am now. I deal with those emotions of worrying about what is going to be - but frankly, I don't know - and I don't think anybody else really does either - what I do know is that I have right now.

I can't look that far ahead. The conclusions that we all draw after hours and hours of struggling with things really don't solve anything - we generally are where we are, and things are what they are, and we don't know what we don't know -

I trust, I believe, I hope, I love, and I dream as well about things - and I am put at risk for all of that - it is an equal and opposite reaction - overwhelming, foreboding, telling, secretive, and challenging at times - but those times are not for me to predict, right now is for me to live and enjoy and experience.

I don't know where I am going with this. In my mind, there is never really an end to anything that we feel - there are changes, there are behavior modifications, there are maturations, but there is no end until we stop breathing - so I, for now, want to walk the streets of Edmonds, and Juggle with a cadence in my head, and a rythm in my heart, and the sweet taste of cakes on my lips.

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