Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday morning, and that means four days without a good morning, or “Hey, its me” or me getting frustrated over the sound of the speaker phone or you having to call back because you are in Starbucks – I would take endless interruptions this morning to hear “Hey can I call you back, I need to place my order” – I like that about you – at least you are honest about it.
I went to the gym this morning – the kids opted out on Belize – they have met a series of kids their age, and now roam the ship in packs – I occasionally see them out and about, doing kid stuff, laughing and joking and playing, and I have to send them away from peeking into the adult areas (particularly Gabe) and then worry constantly about where Gray has wandered off to. This morning, she could not decide if she wanted to do build a bear, or just go eat breakfast (we giggled in bed this morning about having an egg eating contest – we both think the scrambled eggs are gross, so, in the end, I decided to go to the gym, she decided to go to Camp Carnival). The workout was good, I kept imagining the Bahamas, with you beside me on the elliptical, and us smiling at each other every once in a while – that is a good feeling – a good memory. It would be nice to have that now, and have it more often.
So I get back from the gym, pack up some dirty laundry, (the cheapest thing on the ship is the wash and fold service - $15 for a laundry bag same day service, wonderful idea – they did not have that the last time I was here – and frankly, it is a great thing!) The sun in Belize is intense, and the weather is calling for 87 degrees, no breeze, and lots of Carnival guests getting sun poisoning…. – we are sailing the same internary with the Carnival Valor – the new ship from Miami – and it is funny watching all of the folks on land. They all swarm to the same places, at the same time, and buy the same stuff, Gabe, Gray and I are a little more adventurous, we tend to head away from them, go find some local and find something to do. I suspect that is what we will do tomorrow in Mexico. They have gotten much easier, Gray is getting more independent, she was shy at first, now she knows what she wants to do.
Last night, I ate dinner alone. That sucked. The table next to me is filled with a family full of assholes – they kept making jokes about taking a dump, homosexuals (then one of them pointed at me), and how crappy folks live in other countries. I asked the waiter to say something to them, and he mentioned that he already had, but they just don’t seem to stop. Dinner alone on a cruise ship at a table for eight is not a very uplifting thing. Gray had a spa appointment ice cream party, Gabe was goofing off with his friends, and our table mates, I am not sure where they were.
Anyway, I sat on the deck this morning, and listened to a couple argue. It brought back some pretty revealing memories about my past life with Christy – and made me think of ways that I should/have/want/need to change (and those that I have). I have been to more movies, concerts, places, vacations, dinners, stores, beds, with you than the entire time I was married. I have had more open and honest discussions with you about the things that scare me the most with you than I did in my entire marriage. I have been a better person – but still, listening to them talk, and listen to the sobs of the wife plead for her husband to not do those things – not take advantage of her, not ignore her, not be so selfish, that kind of hit home for me. I don’t want you to feel that way in a week, or a year, or five years – and at times, I think it sneaks back in, and you do feel that way. He listened, stoically, and said nothing as she pleaded with him to let her know what he is feeling. She ended the conversation with ‘I could be 110 pounds, I could have sex anytime you want it, I do everything to keep two houses, three cars, two dogs, and three kids together so that when you are there- all you have to do is be with us – and yet you choose to wander away from us. You choose to be away, and I cannot be there for you anymore to be away.” She was crying uncontrollably at that point, and all the guy could say was “When we retire it will be different” – I suspect the difference will be that he will not have those things anymore – it was just tough to listen to.
I want the best for you and I. I want the best for you and I together. Our relationship is ten days with a week thrown in for spice – and I want you to know that I am trying to be the most honest, open, and selfless person I can be. I don’t want you to get sick of the things I do – I want to do new things with you, and don’t want to become so complacent that we don’t do those things together. I know that I have been that way in the past couple of months, and I am sorry for that.
Well, needless to say, did a lot of vacation thinking this morning – and the best thing is that I thought about you, and the things that we can do together. I am proud to be with you, I am happy that I love you and that I feel loved, and I am happy that our families are becoming one- you have made significant strides in just about everything you have done in the past three years – and I would like to think that I have done some of the same – but most of all – I miss you, and I love you, and I look forward to seeing you and hearing your voice soon.
Gabe has come in the room and has decided to turn on the Price is Right, clang around the dishes, and be a general pain in the ass, so that means I need to go to the pool (the adult pool) where it is a little quieter.
I love you and miss you.