Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Where DO I go?

Okay, so it is my lunch break here - and after getting through one conference call, and about to bounce to the next, I looked around my home office (yes, I am actually in Jacksonville this week - and am amazed at how disciplined I actually am with regards to working a full day - sometimes my motivation sucks - but it is much easier to work from here, get my work work done, and avoid doing the things that I should have done last night prior to going to bed at the same time my kids went to bed - i.e. dishes, laundry, more work, exercise, clean, pay bills - so the best motivator for me to stay focused on work is the fact that all of the other crap is just too damn dreary to worry about right now...)  Boy that was a long digression - anyway, I looked around my home office - that consists of a built in cubby space with my computer, three empty Starbucks cups, stacks of correspondence from the ex (I really really really like reading and printing those emails - those are always a good time), legal research, checking account statements, work papers, and a couple of pens that may or may not work anymore - and I decided today that it was about damn time that I find a place more suitable than a freaking apartment for me to live.

I have a two bedroom two bathroom apartment - and as far as apartments go - it is nice - it is a gated community, and is fairly new, and has one of those all purpose buildings, where, if I was not so lazy, could walk over and get free coffee and bottled water, or even use the business center over there to print more shit to stack on top of my already cramped "office space" - my kids share a room - it is decorated and adequate - a little too small for two kids of eight and eleven, but they use it for television and sleeping - and for now - before they hit puberty, they can deal with being in the same place for longer periods of time - I have a kitchen that is comfortably appointed, a screened in patio (that feels more like a prison cell than a patio), and my bedroom is large enough to put everything that I came out of the marriage with into a space (that means I bought new stuff, because I came out with a couch, a loveseat, a broken ottoman, and a broken television stand), and the living room has enough room for the stuff mentioned there, plus some wrought iron furniture that has been converted into a dining room table (of sorts - it hurts your ass to sit on it, so generally, I just eat on the floor and use the broken ottoman as a table - assuming that it is not piled high with folded laundry that I refuse to put away).  The apartment is one of those waiting places - where you have to be for a short period of time until things smooth over - I hate waiting places (reference to another Seuss book) - it is a place to store my crap, have my children, and sleep occassionally when I am home.  In the decorative spirit of Christmas, there are trees and lights and some decorations - but still, it feels like whipped cream on a pile of shit -

So that is the next question - where in the hell do I go - I am dating a girl from Seattle, work in Toronto, am headquartered in Omaha, and have two beautiful children here in Jacksonville - so what to do - you know, I continually toy with the idea of getting one of those POD storage units, putting everything in there, and just moving to one of those daily rent, daily pay places you see along the side of the old US Route Highways - that way, maybe it would not feel so permanent, and I could actually convince myself that I am in between houses right now - or just sell off everything, store my clothes at the parents house, and when I am in town, use some of those accumulating sky miles and hotel points to rent a room the weekends I am home.  There are really not very many alternatives - everyone told me this when I first started to get divorced - and it brings new meaning to "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" (hence the above video....perdy damn good music...), that I needed to protect myself a little better, to hell with doing what I usually did - and get myself a place to live with a backyard ample enough for bar-b-que, beer, fireworks, and falling down - (falling on pavement in my parking lot just is not that great) and let her figure out the rest of the crap - but me, being the intelligent genious that I am just said to hell with it, got a new apartment in the sticks right across the street from the dog track - and ten months later, I still have no earthly idea where to end up.

Do I go to Seattle - the Northwest has more there than any city that I have ever lived in - waking up and driving to the top of the hill in Main Street Edmonds and seeing the Olympics in your window, hiking at Deception Pass, heading for Breakfast downtown with the heroin addicts and night shift workers out for a morning beer, laying at Gas Works soaking up the occassional sun - it offers alot...

Do I go to St. Augustine - Buy the little duplex, rent the upstairs, live downstairs, and wake up in the mornings to the sound of waves and watch the tourists stroll by on their way to the beach.  Spend long nights sitting on the porch, walking in the sand with kids to the Beach Comber, enjoy long nights of beer and blues at Aaron's place -

Do I go to New Orleans - Rent one of Aunt Myrlene's duplexes, and spend my weekends lost in Zydeco and good food and smoke filled bars crowded with other folks looking to hide out for a little while, sipping coffee and chickory and DuMonde while listening to the steam boats blare loud pipe music -

Do I just go someplace else - that's the biggest question - do I throw three darts at a map of the United States, and tell myself that is where I should end up - leave it in the hands of Kharma, and see what choices the petty arm of fate has?  If it works for stocks, maybe it will work for living arrangements as well.

My lease runs out in another two months - and I guess it is time for me to start looking at alternatives - and all of them are churning around in my head - the truth is, I can't stay here - not a good place for staying, a good place for adjusting - but not part of the long term plan in the life of George.  (Hell, long term for me these days has been two weeks - that is about as far ahead as I am able to plan...)

Anyway - that's enough sharing of the confusion that I have right now, besides, lunch hour - it's over, and I need to get back to ignoring those thoughts, and get back to drowning my angst in work...

1 comment:

Steven Skeffington said...

I think you nailed the state of mind i myself am in at the moment. Where does life from here?

But I agree, Jacksonville is decent a place to adjust, but not to stay.