Saturday, December 5, 2009
The First Christmas...
I remember the first Christmas with Gabe and Gray, I remember the second Christmas, buying a ring wrap for the engagement ring (a piece of advice - buy diamonds from the pawn shop - selling them there as well isnot a bad idea...) I remember the Christmas Eve parties and the hectic rush of going to six different houses and then changing into pajamas and putting out carrots and cookies - Christy in her new Christmas pajamas - me in boxers - struggling to put some toy together with stickers and more parts than an artificial heart -
It is a tough time of the year - you get that sinking feeling - this was the time of the year that we were actually closest - where there was hope that the things that had happened in the past year were gone - I think that is why I am feeling what I am feeling - I cannot be with Cadence on Christmas morning, but I do get to see the kids faces light up when they come out and see their gifts - I look forward to that - I look forward to the Orlando trip and seeing my brother, I look forward to Disneyworld and dinner and having somewhere that I can be with family -
I don't think that feeling is going to go away anytime soon - asking myself if I made the right decision for me, for my kids, for Christy, well - when you are hanging ornaments that basically cover the only life you know - you ask those questions - and you do miss those good times. I miss them now - probably only temporarily, I am sure that something will be said that will piss me off, the house will be renegotiated (Christy actually asked if I would "split" the debt with her so she could qualify for a mortgage - I guess I could do that if I could "split" the child support...), that will answer the question if I made the right decision - holding hands with my kids, or Cadence, that let's me know the decision that was made was the right one- but still, there is the reminder that at one point in time, I had a nuclear family, I had a house, in the words of my best friend, I was living the dream.
It was good to put up the tree- it was good to be reminded -