Saturday, October 31, 2009

No more please, thank you...

Was about all I could say as I was offered my sweet potato french fries - I mean they are good and all, but I figured that frying sweet potatoes removed just about every ounce of nutritional value from them, and the four pounds of seasoned salt that was dumped on top of them probably negated whatever was left...I had the perfect intention of getting on the treadmill, but the grease has congealed in the bottom of my stomach, and the miralax (draino for the common man) needs to loosen up the works before I hit the road...The Gators game is on, and I have absolutely no patience for 'Gid Em Gators" or "Dad Gum You caint let dem due dat to dem der Gators" or my seasonal favorite "Gimee a beer and Go Gators..." - I am not quite sure where my animosity stems from, perhaps it is the obnoxious gaggles of fans that invade Jacksonville every year with their orange and blue hats and skirts and boxer shorts and plaid bermuda shorts accented with pink and blue and orange polo shirts - perhaps it is that it seems like every attorney in Jacksonville went to, slept with, married, divorced, bore children with, or lived in a trailer park with a Florida Gator - maybe it is just that I really have a hard time with the Florida Fans - now I know that lumps them into a category all their own - but for those of you who have not had the honor of strolling through Gainesville on a sunny day, you just have no idea what I am talking about.  Picture a backwards southern town, with a huge school dumped in the middle of it - and I bet if you did the research, that literacy would be seasonal...but in respect for the awesome academic and athletic programs, I say Go Gators - and pray that my children select University of Central Florida as their alma mater...(I just can't imagine the football games with the former in-laws and having to hear my son say "Go Gators")..

So I started this post to talk about those things that I really don't want anymore of - you know, those things that you have hit your limit on - but then I took a break and  toted my daughter off to the nail salon to get a pedicure - I have never had one before, and thoroughly enjoyed having my feet scrubbed, rubbed, massaged, and scraped for about half an hour. They actually feel a bit naked now, the years of funk removed in one fell swoop, I think the grimace on the poor ladies face was enough to let me know that perhaps next time, I should at least try to clip the inch long toe nails before going to one of those places.  I did not partake in the lime green toe nail polish my daughter selected - not enough to drink prior to going I suppose, but maybe tonight I will put on some silk frillies and paint the dogs.  So anyway, things that I don't want anymore of:

1.  I really dont want anymore of those cookies with silk screened decorations on them.  Not only do they taste like they have been wallpapered - but eating pictures of your family or children has a perverse affect on me.

2.  I don't want explanations of why I was a bad husband from the miserable married people.  I KNOW why I was a bad husband - and I also know that the more I watch your overweight spouse shove three been chili dip into their gullet and wash it down with beer, that I am somewhat happy that I do not have to sleep next to or with that gas maker...sure, lonliness does occassionally set in, but that is what facebook and internet porn are for.

3.  I don't want to see anymore credit counseling commercials on cable television.  Why, because if you are that broke, you should probably not have cable, unless of course, you are ingenious enough to back the U-Haul underneath the phone pole, removed the signal block, add a splitter, and somehow get it for free (disclaimer: I am not speaking from personal experience).

4.  I don't want to listen to folks have conversations with their ex whatevers.  I prefer to wallow in my own misery and failure, and prefer not to have to share that very wonderful expression of hatred with you -

5.  I don't want to go to Walmart - ever ever ever.  Fat children being beat by their fat parents as they not only get the latest "Obama Sucks" t-shirts, but also the 144 pack of "Reduced Fat Jello Pudding Packs" is just not for me.  I prefer the thrift store - it seems like the folks there have just enough money to have a little humility, and are a hell of alot nicer.

6.  I don't want toothless carnies attacking my manhood when I can't shoot the red star off the paper card, can't throw a softball into a milk can, or get a ring around a bottle.  You are a carnie for christ's sake - when you finish getting the 31 teeth replaced, come see me, but in the interim, have another Cobra Draft, some funnel cake, and get back to loading the damn trucks.

7.  I don't want anyone to put the cell phone down when they are talking to me.  I would prefer they just hang up, finish shooting their heroin, drinking their beer, whatever - but don't put the cell phone down - just because they are portable does not mean that they are polite.

8.  I don't want to be patronized - just tell me like it is - after 38 years, I am pretty sure I have heard - Youre fired, I don't like you, you smell bad, that was a stupid idea, no green cords don't match with red plaid flannel shirts - enough times to take what you have to say to me - so say it damn it.

9.  I don't want to use hotel toilet paper anymore.  I carry a stash of Charmin with me - four years of constant travel, and the one consistent partner I can count on is a roll of lotion enriched toilet paper (now even softer!)

10.  Finally, I don't want to miss goals being scored, runs batted in, school dances, straight A's, medicine time, bedtime, girl scouts, boy scouts, Starbucks breakfast, mowing the grass, pedicures, or just anything that has to do with my kids.  That's what it comes down to - I don't want many things- but most of all, I don't want to miss the important things....

I don't want to write anymore - I think the miralax is kicking in, and that means there is a window of opportunity to not only lose a few pounds, but potentially clear out my stomach before I have to have another round of sweet potato something or others...

No comments: