That's basically the four of us, Lenn, Kristina, Ronnie, and George - all happy at Kristina's wedding some eight or so years ago - I remember driving to the wedding at the Naval Academy - the wife was breastfeeding on a traffic packed highway, we were running late, and of course, the heat was nearly unbearable - but we got there, and they smuggled me in through some secret cove just in time to be at the front of the wedding. As I get closer to my last anniversary, it becomes a little more difficult to segregate the good times from the bad times, a little harder to look at the regrets and the rewards, it is all a goopy porridge of things bunched into the last twenty years of my life. I don't have much to complain about, I don't really want for much - except to make up for some of my bad decisions, and I have two of the most beautiful children that any Dad could ever ask for. Funny, but my relationship with my kids and my family has improved - I have them, and they have me - it is nice to have those things back.
I am always good at asking questions - many questions, because I want to know the answers - recently, I have started asking myself questions - not the easy ones like "Should I sit down and pee, or should I stand and pee" at 3:00 AM when I am trying to make the 6:00 AM flight out of Toronto - the more difficult questions that seemed to bother Buddha for all of those years...
I guess the best thing to do in those situations is just punt. Or sit underneath a tree and meditate - think about nothing. Interesting concept to me, thinking and talking about nothing - these days, all that I get an opportunity to talk about are Canadian Dollar conversions, travel plans, budgets, divorce classes and hearings, and how we are going to equitably split the china. Those discussions get pretty interesting when you intentionally close your ears, and just watch the mouth move - they are pretty one-sided as well - I realized last Saturday that I could watch an instructor move their mouth for four hours, and not hear a damn thing that was said. I already knew that I could ignore my ex-spouse for months on end (not something I am proud of, just something that I could do) - but Sunday proved to me that I don't have to have those odd conversations about where the kids are going to be dropped off or what her comfort level may be - actually, what was running through my head at the time was would I have enough time to get my work done, pack, and surf porn before I had to go to bed. The answer was no...to most of them anyway.
So now, at this stage in the divorce process, there are terribly odd conversations - the arrangement is a business arrangement - and it is actually pretty nice - the fact that I live in a small community where the same people hang out together (and I have to manage through them wanting to tell me who my ex is sleeping with) creates tension - and unwanted conversation. I had the nerve to get coffee at Starbucks, and of course, I got the usual run in conversation with a bar goer- So and so is really doing a pretty good job of, etc etc etc - the ears shut down, well, they shut down as best they can - and the mouth says words like "You know, that is her business" or "So still pretty exciting at the pub" - I don't like those conversations -
That's the family ties part - I am stuck somewhere I don't want to be, and really, should not be - that neighborhood is a microcosm of cheese dicks and housewives - sure, there are some really fun people to hang out with - I can say I have met a few knobs up there that are worth an hour or two of conversation - but I am more struggling with it being the only place in town. I don't have any family ties there anymore - the reason I am there is because I had to move somewhere to keep the then wife off of my ass (yes, folks, I was a broken shell of a husband who actually thought doing what your wife said to do would shut her up - advice line - good fucking luck with that one - don't ever give in or compromise - odds are you will resent it, and you still have to sleep with her). So the past month or so has been a google search of house hunting, reading up on ways to get out of a mortgage, finalizing agreements, and finding a place that I can call my own. Sure the travel helps, I don't have to be there, and I have plenty of sky miles and hilton honors points to make sure I am with someone who actually stimulates me (in several ways)- but when I do have to be there, it is always something - I think it is insane and stupid at this point to discuss these items, but then again, I don't have to live in her head, and I don't have to sleep with the folks up at the pub, and I know that I can get on a plane in two days, and probably be that much closer to where I want to be. Maybe that has to suck for her - but that's an odd conversation for her to have with the therapist, or someone from the pub.
Work has a large number of topics brewing these days, and finishing up draft posts to put out has some interest to me as well- but for now, the Hilton Garden Inn in Toronto is where I am at, and I think tonight, both work and blogging can wait...maybe a movie and a bowl of bean soup - the exciting life of travel...take me back to your kitchen floor...
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