Sunday, November 1, 2009

Single serving cups and paper plates...

I like eating off of paper plates.  I like drinking out of paper cups.  It has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with my inherant laziness and aversion to washing dishes, it is just comforting and cathartic to eat a soupy mess of mashed potatoes off of a paper plate - the plate soaks up the flavor, and if you take long enough to eat your meal, by the time you are done, you can actually eat the paper plate, it has become one with the gravy, and the designs have been merged into the mashed potatoes - I know that this may not be considered normal human behavior, but anymore, after seeing a grown man in a speedo in 45 degree weather dressed up as Michael "Bongwater" Phelps, normal human behavior and its definition escapes me. 

Now I do not like single serving cups - they have these new coffee makers where you stick a plastic cartridge into the top, and it spits and coughs like a cat ridding itself of a furball, and out comes the coffee - I like the idea of putting way too many grinds into the top of the machine, and making a 12 cup pot, and then either 1) drinking all of it, or 2) watching the level slowly burn down into a spread for toast.  I have never liked single serve anything - I mean even at sporting events, they allow you to buy TWO beers per identification - so why would they make single serve stuff - don't they know that we are Americans, and one of anything is just never enough to fill our need to have something to do with both hands...speaking of which, my single serve coffee is now empty, so I am going to have to take a break and go listen to the coffee maker, perhaps it will give me just the break I need to make this post have some sort of sense to it...

So, here we are - now that break may not have seemed like much to you, but to me, I had to go into the kitchen, put the cartridge into the machine, select the blinking blue light the corresponded most closely to the container that I was placing under the coffee maker, ensure that the lid was properly sealed, and then listen to it spit out coffee.  It is not an appetizing brings beer and hot wings to mind...not eating them mind you, but what happens the next day...

I blew off Mass this morning with the parents and great-grandparents - I know my mom would love for me to start going to church again, any church, just so long as it has to do with the little baby Jesus, but I just cannot seem to get myself in those places.  These days, the only time I am in the church is for funerals - there are not too many of my friends getting married (well, maybe re-married, but those usually take place in Cancun or Vegas in a $90 ceremony followed by a $20,000 beer bash and cookout from Fat Joe's Traveling Musicians and Barbeque) and did I mention funerals.  There is enough church on television for me - I have some friends who go to a new church, and they actually watch the sermon on big television monitors being beamed in live from the mothership somewhere in this great United States - I say why go through the hassle - just send in your envelope every month, and click on a channel sometime before 10:00 am on a Sunday morning - VOILA - instant kharma.  You can even drink coffee when you watch it at home.  Sometimes I wish they televise funerals the same way - I hate funerals - I hate saying goodbye and paying respects - those things are meant for when you are alive, and if you can't be there then - there is no sense in being there when the person is gone - I think I have talked about this in great detail in past posts- hello's and the excitement of seeing someone is always followed by a goodbye - always - and those two balance each other - that is what they are designed to do - the minute you stop with the goodbyes, odds are you are dead too - so you should probably look forward to them just as much as you do the rest of the stuff beforehand.  I never was one to spend a large amount of time getting emotionally connected to a large group of people - sort of a single serving kind of person when it came to those sorts of relationships- what you see is what you get - at work, it is defined as "rough around the edges", at school it was "get it done, let's move on", in family "that is why we invite George over" - I mean I go through the normal exchanges of proper manners, and cleaning up after myself - but when I am done with whatever may be happening around me, I get up, I go, I just have had enough of that coffee pot, and prefer to come back to it a little bit later - well aware of the risk that it may have cooked down to a soupy thick black mess, but hell, if you add enough milk, you can still enjoy it.  Family events (or most events) take on new meaning when one of your goals is to get through them without downing half a bottle of Johnny Walker Black followed by a six pack of beer - used to be that is what I had to do to get around all of that stuff, now, it is what it is - and I tend to stray away from the liquor cabinet, and try to engage myself in the things that are going on around me - sometimes, the best comic relief in life is watching friends and family, listening to them, and dealing with the multiple servings of stories and events while waiting for your paper plate to congeal.  Then you head to the whiskey when they start talking about how things are going with you...

I guess I could share some of my social skills with you, these are all true mind you, and probably a good reason why I find myself repairing more relationships than building them, so you can take my advice and use these for either keeping people at a far enough distance that you don't really ever have to share with them, or you can not use them, and hope that some meaningful relationships develop - either way, it's your call -


1. "No, I can't go for a run, I pissed in my suitcase, and have to do my laundry" (Can't really say)

2.  "Well, the other day, I got a little bored, so I made love to the neighbors dog" (To my boss as he asked how things were going)

3.  "I intend to knock your daughter up as soon as I get the chance to get away for a few minutes"  (To my father in law as he drifted off to never never land after asking one of those questions you get out of a self-help book that is supposed to help you develop a relationship with your relatives)

4. "I stomached the first serving, and can't really see the odds being in my favor that I will make it through another one" (This was to the host that cooked the meal...not a good plan)

5.  "No officer, I peed on the kitchen floor because I really really really had to go - the other stuff, well, that was just a whim" (While repairing a few minor damages to my home after a late night)

6.  "Look Doc, I am not sure why my jaw is dislocated, but I am pretty sure it had something to do with me running my mouth and then my mouth running into a fist.  Did they teach this shit in medical school, or am I paying for counseling too" (That one is self explanatory)

7.  "Life is like a box of condoms - just because you have one, does not mean you are really experiencing them" (To my brother, the ordained minister)

8.  "I am not too sure if your kids really are okay." (To my sister, and my godchild)

9.  "No you are not getting heavier, the dress is just improperly sized and was probably made in Malaysia.  Everything is smaller in Malaysia.  I read that in a book somewhere." (To my ex-wife - note ex-wife - probably should have thought a little more before that one came out)

10.  "Sorry, I just can't stand losing to old people" (As I smashed my tennis racquet at Amelia Island on the tennis courts after being schooled by the in-laws)

11.  (Bonus) - "I belong to a social organization called HOBO - it's the Hookers and Blow Society, we do alot for neighborhoods with blight" (In response to a family friend guilting me for not going to more socially redeeming events)

You can use those if feel so inclined - and even typing them, I blush a little bit at the jackass I really became - hence the reason for me staying well clear of the wine rack during family events - or any event for that matter - but I can assure you, each comment you make will leave a lasting impression - and it sucks to think at 38 years old that I am just now getting the point that it is probably easier to not be such an ass, and try to be a little more of a team player.  I hate to think of it as selling out, and in some cases, early on, that is exactly what it felt like, but the reality is, when those thoughts come to my mind in the middle of a conversation, I just smile inwardly that I still have the ability to be a prick, but the maturity to know that if I want to be invited back, that I should probably go back over to the coffee maker, and listen to it sputter another single serving cup...

Let's all enjoy a sunny Sunday -


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