Friday, May 15, 2009

Tequilla Texting...

Okay, so when you check your text log after a twelve pack of coors light, two bottles of Conundrum and some sort of strawberry rum concoction, it is a belittling experience. It is safer than drunk dialing, you know, but not a really good idea none the less. Waking up this morning with Spaghettio's stuck to my beard, Aaron sleeping on the couch, and the Jerry Springer show blaring in the background - then looking down at my text log - hell, that was a great way to really boost the old ego. I guess there is a reason that I have not been straying off the reservation too much lately - I am not only a bad drinker, but hell, I apparently have the ability to text with lightning speed - sort of like pulling the pin on the grenade and watching the body parts fly after I hit the send button. I think I am going to start carrying around a speak and spell whenever I head down to the local watering hole - not only will it allow me to text, but it will also allow me to increase my limited 11th grade level vocabulary.

The great thing is to get the text back "You really should get a book about not drinking" - considering that my head was sandwiched in between two cinder blocks, a volkswagon jetta, and a boat this morning, I really need a book about how to drink better - not to mention having to scrub a pot of spaghettios and clean up sticky strawberry stuff from the kitchen counter. Today was a good day to just mark Personal Time Off on the timesheet, drop a few drops of visine in the eyes, eat some very bland white toast, and watch Court TV (or fall asleep while Court TV was on) - and that was exactly what I accomplished today. Now that is is 3:00 - I am feeling more human again - at least to the point where I can use a toothbrush without gagging, and may even venture over to the swimming pool to try and chlorinate some of the vodka sweat pouring out of my body. The thought of going to Taco Bell is runnng through my mind right now, so I must be feeling better...or at least enough to eat a couple of bean burritos that will wreck my digestive system into feeling a little bit better.

Tonight, there is the soccer practice, today, there was a deliverable to do - but I could not, and still cannot bear the thought of scrolling through spreadsheets - and I am hoping that a six PM rainstorm comes barrelling through to cancel the soccer as well - tonight would be the perfect night to turn the air conditioner down the "meat locker" setting, order some pizza, and rent a couple of movies with the kiddos - but, that is enough whining for now - if you play, you must pay, and my body is certainly cashing the check that I wrote last night...

That brings up some good ideas for top ten lists though - I must be feeling a little better if ideas are actually popping into my head (ideas other than "Man, some more aspirin would be great right now" or "Need more water"), and with that being said - the top ten list just that quickly disappeared from my head. I guess I will give it a feeble attempt:


1. Mens Softball Teams are not really a sports team, they are more like guys who like striped tube socks.

2. Never guess some girls age higher than 32 - telling the 29 year old she looks 37 - not a good idea.

3. Toyota Prius's are very quiet - but they are not quiet enough to sneak by sobriety check points.

4. Non-Alcoholic beer serves a purpose - just not for me or my friends.

5. I cannot find my shirt, and I suspect that I may have torn in off in the middle of the parking lot as I proclaimed my mastery as "Resident of the Month"

6. Spaghettios compound the hangover, and are a bitch to get out of bedsheets.

7. Strawberries, creamsicles, rum, margarita mix and gin are not a mixed drink. It is a vomit precursor.

8. I am deleting all of the depressing music from my I POD and replacing it with Barney, The Wiggles, and Captain Kangaroo songs.

9. Even when drunk, I still cannot play guitar. I can try, but it does not work.

10. Eggs, fish, tortillas, hot stove = setting the fire alarm off at 2:00 am.

Not a valiant attempt, not even a half-hearted attempt, but I suppose not waking up next to Chewbacca or in a corn field in Southern Georgia does warrant a little lee-way for me today.

Until next time,


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