Thursday, May 14, 2009

Paying the Water Bills.

Stacks of unpaid water bills are what I am waking up to these days - I am not quite sure what I am supposed to with them (besides the obvious pay them) but I keep sending them money, and they keep voiding the payments - sort of a game of cat and mouse - I spoke with the good looking apartment complex rental agent (case in point for all folks looking for an apartment - they are all good looking - as if to say "Hey, in this complex, we only have good looking folks" - it is a lie, a vicious lie to lure you into their buildings only to be sadly disappointed that your neighbors happen to be two single ladies - unfortunately, they are Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers....) - and she had little to say other than, well, at least they never turn off the water to the apartments here....that's good to know - now I can shower, flush, dishwash, and laundry with little or no risk - and just continue to send in money orders (again, another point I must explain - I think that I have ordered checks once in my life, and that was in Tallahassee as a student/party planner, and those checks just ended up becoming raquetballs in banks throughout Northwest Florida) - only to have a bill that comes back with a payment that says "VOID" - it must be part of the Obama Recovery Package for Water Resellers throughout the Country - in order to get the federal funds, they must turn back every payment from anyone whose last name starts with the letter "B" - today must be my lucky day.

Pleasant surprises come in many forms, this morning, I had an email that said I had a fairly large deposit coming my way into my account from my separated partner - and that was a great surprise - you see, we have this deal that she pays me and I pay her and that way, the agreement is a convoluted mess of legalese, jargon, arrangements, and restrictions. We would not have it any other way. Back to the point, it was nice to see that. I was proud for her - and not downplaying the contribution of being a stay at home mother with our two children over the years (I think I have spoken to my ability to raise children - the last time that I did it longer than three days in a stretch, she came home to find me in diapers, eating rice cereal, and sleeping in a basinette along side the other two) - but I know that she feels good about the contribution financially, and I hope she understands that I am proud of her for that - us finance guys try and get into the emotional bank account every once in a while, it is hard to put a price tag on being a stay at home mom, it is hard to determine what that salary should be for them - we know that it is necessary, we know that we, given the same situation, would have been requested to find a room in Chattahootchie (for non-Floridians, this is where Florida keeps their "less than stable" folks until they are able to cope with reality in more permanent or medicated ways). I imagine being a mother is what she always wanted to be, and I guess what I am trying to say here, is that she is a good mother and leader for our two - and that yup, I am incapable of performing the same duties without large amounts of xanax, candy bribes, and video games.

That goes back to paying the water bill - so now I have this unexpected windfall, and this stack of unpaid water bills - hell, it is sort of like a stimulus package check, and I would feel completely Unamerican if I did not blow it on a Chinese made stereo, french wine, or to have an illegal immigrant come mow the grass...(no offense here - but it is what it is). I mean the extra money is burning a hole in my pocket, sort of like heroin in the hands of a dope fiend outside the local blood bank - really, I am imagining all of the wonderful things that I can do - I can get a haircut, and speaking of hair, buy some of that rogaine styling mousse - (I tried it for a while, and unfortunatly for me, it only made my nose and ear hairs grow more, and I think a few sprouted on my back - I apparently have follicle confusion, so at least I know my general confusion can be related directly back to a physical ailment, not one of those garden variety emotional ailments), maybe buy one of those "as seen on TV" gadgets that would make my life easier (I can see it now, the envy of the apartment complex as I am cleaning my patio with the Shark Super Steam Degreaser and Sterilizer), get a new shirt from Steinmart that was cool last year, make the minimum payment on my life support credit cards, hell the possibilities are endless....notice I did not say save for a rainy day, that, my friends, would be too smart, and I have been and never will be accused of being somewhat intelligent.

I, in my infinite lack of wisdom, have come up with the top ten things that I might do with this money, feel free to send me more, I could always use some team participation on this one:

1. Buy a crap pot of scratch off tickets and sit on a milk crate in front of the store scratching them. Granted I could win a large amount of money, but even if I did not when everyone knows "When you play, we all win" - so that would explain the victory screams that I would make at random intervals, and the greeting I would give to everyone as they came in to buy their sundry items "Hey - I play so you can win".

2. Go to a fancy day spa and get a Brazilian. I am not sure what a Brazilian is - but from what I understand it is a life changing experience.

3. Get some rims for my Mazda. I always wanted to have a cheap foreign car that has all of those "Fast and Furious" things on it that make it look really really fast, but actually add weight that slow it down. With any of the left over money, I could go to a garage sale and get a big woofer for the trunk, so that whenever I turn on the radio, my car rattles like a bag of recycled aluminum.

4. Buy some of those used video games from the video store - you know the ones - they are the ones that nobody rents, like "Spit from a Tall Building for Wii" or "How to play the Recorder for Wii" or "Let's Play Construction Worker for Wii" - I am sure they are fun, pointless, but fun, and whenever I have people over to the apartment, they could be amazed at my huge collection of crappy Wii games.

5. Buy a years supply of Ramen Noodles. Not only do those nifty square packages make creative shelving units, but you can actually eat them too. I would not recommend a diet of them (my sodium count is very, very high, and for some reason I sweat chicken broth).

6. Actually go out an buy toothpaste and shaving cream. I stay in hotels A LOT - so I have hundreds of those little bars of soap, little plastic packages of shaving cream, and those mini-toothpaste tubes that they give you for free - it would be nice to have adult sizes of each of those - granted I would not use them, but at least it would be nice to have them...

7. Get a group of friends and roll into the dollar store like a boxing entourage before fight night, and exclaim "You all go buck wild up in here, and buy yourself something nice." Man, what a vision of silly string, ugly knick knacks, wrapping paper, and generic food that would be.

8. Go to the bank and request all of it in pennies, and make the teller help me haul it to my car, then go to another bank, ask them to make it nickels, then another, and have them make it dimes, then another, have them make it quarters, then another, and have them make it back to the original denomination. I know this is not buying anything, but right now, I am at a stretch to think of anything else, so while I do that I could probably think of something to do with the funds.

9. Rent a storage unit, and tell my friends that I have two places - then have a housewarming party at the Rental Unit - that would be great - and when it was time for them to leave, I could impress them with the extra money I spent on the automatic door opener for the rolldown door.

10. Buy something that is Blue Tooth capable. I am not quite sure what Bluetooth is, or how it works, but from what I understand all the neat things run off Bluetooth, and my smart phone continually tells me that Bluetooth is in range - should I go to Dentist?

Now - as you can see, I am somewhat mentally limited - so feel free to share what I should do with the money - I mean let's all chip in and do our part to help me help America Revive!


No comments: