Sunday, July 6, 2008

Okay, I have lost my mind

Okay, Okay, Okay - I know this is totally stupid. I mean really really stupid - but I am in a panic state and I can't figure out where or when or how or why I am supposed to get out of this frame of mind. I don't like this feeling at all - I am hanging on by a thread -

I sat at my Dad's house today, there was a thunderhead that rolled through and we spent the better part of the afternoon eating burgers, talking, and dealing with his financial difficulties that seem to plague him like hunger in Africa - it may be that he buys anything that is shiny or has moving parts, but hell, I guess he figures he can't take it with him -

One of the toys he bought was a Blackberry - now try and watch a 62 year old man who has a hard enough time turning on a TV set try and program his blackberry - he had 22 messages - he did not realize that he had voicemail on the thing - one of the messages was from me about three weeks ago - he hung up on me four times as he learned to use his Bluetooth, so finally I called him back, and left him the distinct message "Pull over and call me from a fucking pay phone" - it was a slow day, a day, but a slow long day with no respite except relaxtion and plenty of Watermelon Jelly Bellies (He buys them in bulk, and has a one gallon container of them in the pantry)...

Anyway, I am losing my mind. No contact, no nothing. I am not sure what I did or what I did not do, but I picture images of overturned boats in the Puget Sound, or midnight drives that did not go so well, or long enduring conversations that seemed to repair everything - that's the thing about this - I don't have any right to feel the way I do right now - none whatsoever - but I do - and I am trying every distraction from fish sticks to online music to make it go away. It's not going away.

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