Thursday, July 17, 2008

A Couple of Days of Relaxation....and The Travelistic Philisophy Ten Commandments

It was an uneventful trip to Omaha this week, if you consider dropping a couple hundred dollars in a penny slot machine, straight line winds knocking the power out at the hotel, loosing touch with any reason to actually keep trying to do the right thing at work, getting stuck in an elevator twice, and being ditched by your boss in a meeting with a Senior Vice President - if you consider those things uneventful - then welcome to my world, I am not a pessimist or an optimist - I am a realist - the glass is neither half empty nor half full, it is just two times as big as it needs to be - think about it...

Colorado - it was relaxing - I was thumbing through the pictures tonight of my children - and what lucky, priviledged children they are - I suppose that is why I travel as much as I do - I understand that they want my time - and I also understand that I want them to be independent and strong - and well travelled - let them make a decision on how or what career they want to pursue, but I want them to know that there is a much larger world out there - the pictures I listed above are just a few of the fun things that we did together - my in-laws are great folks - television is a very limited luxury in their house (as it should be) and most time is spent in the great outdoors identifying flowers, learning the names of the Mountains, talking about the history of the Colorado Trail, or just sitting by the pool - I appreciate that in them - they have a similar feeling about being outside - I don't have to fish, run, camp, have a fire, dig a hole, swim, bike, or whatever - I just think it is important to be outside when you can - sure, sometimes on lazy hot Friday afternoons, it is okay to rest off Thursdays hangover from too many beers at the cheerleading function us businessmen have to be a part of, but don't let that parlay into an excuse to ruin all day Saturday - waking up Saturday and feeling alive is the best feeling in the world - and that is when you need to have the smell of the woods fill your head and senses with nothing more than wanderlust and dusty trails ahead...
It was an odd transition to family life last week - I had been in Fort Worth, and then Austin, and then to an airport where I knew that it was the last time - I think everyone knew it was my last time there for that reason - I don't want to think about things like that, but sort of like blue cheese, it takes months to get that smell out of tupperware - and I imagine it will take years to get those thoughts out of my head. You see, it is relatively simple, I am somewhere between in love with my world, and confused by it all - I wonder what school of philosophical thought that belongs to? Maybe, just maybe, I am creating my own fucked up school of philosophical thought - "The Travelistic Methodology of Reaching Pinnacles and Pain in the Asses Beyond Your Own Natural Ability to Break Every Maxim or Moral Code Ever Established" School of thought - that would be a great way to put it - but it goes beyond that satirical comment - I want my ten days, and I want ten more, and I want ten more Texas nights and Austin sidewalks, and dark dirty bars, and rides in rickshaws from skinny little Texas people who weigh half of what I do, I want odd phone calls, and tattoo parlors, and all that good shit. (As they say in Texas) - but I am not going to go into that now -
Okay so, that's enough heavy stuff, now that I have established that I am creating a new philosophy, I will share with you - the avid fan and reader and future disciple of my painful, sick, twisted, and gelatin like mind, the ten crumbling pillars of my new found philosophy -
1. I have a credit card and a frequent flier card, therefore, I am. This takes the "I think, therefore I am" a little futher - with both of these things, you get free drinks, you get to buy way too much shit, and you get to do it in strange places - with strange people.
2. The Travelers Razor (Not to be confused with that over intelligent Occam's Razor) - Don't ever use any razor given out for free at hotels - you get what you pay for, and the rusty, dull blade that they pass out at the front desk is designed to challenge the senses and create longing for store bought things - this is however, the best way to serve punishment to my followers for drinking way too much the night before a day long meeting - it has magical powers to, through adrenalin, endorphin, and just sheer pain - cure a hangover and clear the mind.
3. You are Where you Think You Are - This is sort of create your own reality, but this goes one step further - when you wake up on the airplane after having a wet dream, and your seat mate is terribly uncomfortable about the hip thrusting motions you have been making for the past twenty minutes, well, you are where you think you are - just go back to sleep, and hope you dream of oral.
4. There are more friends than enemies - Particularly when you have an expense report. They may not like you, or even enjoy working with you, but they will drink your beer.
5. Every vision is a memory - One thought comes to mind - you can actually, is some hotels, rent "Fat Black Chicks Who Take it Up the Ass" - this is a vision and certainly a lasting memory.
6. Do unto others as you would have done to them - I know this is circular, but it gets rid of the whole entire guilt thing when you travel somewhere for a few days, piss everybody off, smile, and then leave and say "I look forward to the next trip" - that is team building.
7. God only exists at take off and landing - Trust me on this one, I see more folks praying at these times, and then see them on the layovers picking up on the big chested blonde who "Do No Speak the Good English".
8. Comfort becomes a Prison - I have had every perk, every nice soap, shampoo, cookie, treat, gift basket, and free novelty a traveler can have - after three days in the hotel room, these comforts can not beat a bologna sandwich on white bread in your own garage.
9. Light and Darkness are impossible to control, so live with them both - For those of us who have stayed in enough hotels, we know it is virtually impossible to figure out that one fucking light switch that turns off the annoying light that bounces off of the mirror, and always find a way to hit you in the eyes.
10. There is no place like home - and for most us, that is why we travel.
Not as funny as the other ones - but these are all true - and I challenge even the most practiced follower to find fault in any of these maxims - notice there are no heavy "eternity" maxims - we have all sat through enough business meetings to realize that eternity is not something most of us are interested in, we just want to make it through the day without standing up, yelling "Fuck You this is a Crock of Steaming Bullshit", and make it to the free drinks at happy hour.

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