Friday, February 4, 2011

Blissful Mediocrity and Top Ten Seasons Responses...

Post number two for 2011, and I told myself I was going to be more disciplined this year about dropping a few more paragraphs on paper.  I also convinced myself that I would be in the gym everyday, stop smoking, spend more time in quiet meditation, and resolve my unresolved differences with the unforeseen meaning of life.  Pretty much dropped all of those off of the radar and just decided to keep doing what I am doing, that, so far has made things pretty interesting for me, and until some new epiphany comes hurling my way, I figure that while I still have money in my checking account, a job that pays, and food in cupboard, that I am doing pretty okay.  Not to say that there are not things that I know I should work on improving - for instance, I have made a conscious decision in this past paragraph to not use the "F" word, and am getting better about only using it once in every while as a descriptive adjective, versus using it as a general greeting or as a verb to those I disagree with (generally preceded by a "Go" and followed with a "yourself").  This to me is a major improvement - sort of like going to the gym everyday, except more of an exercise in discretion and manners.  I think I just laughed a little at my use of the words discretion and manners - just so my Mom knows, she is right, she did not raise me this way, the world corrupted me, and short of everything that she tried to do to prevent it, I did not listen.  (I will now and forevermore hereby refer to this phrase as the "Mom it is not your fault clause").  Anyway, I don't understand why New Year's resolutions are such a big deal anyway, it is the winter - no need to lose weight until April when you have to stroll around the beach, and you need to save money by reducing the amount of skin surface area you have to slather with sunscreen (or in my case, the finest carrot oil that Walmart can produce - just thinking of me walking around glistening in the sun like an oil slicked whale carcass just made me think of going downstairs and cracking open a new box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies and washing them down with spiked Buttermilk - mmmmmm)....

Three months in the Northeast can get a little old at times, especially in the winter.  If I hear, "I like the seasons and when they change", one more time as a way to temper the affect of weekly doses of ice, freezing cold weather, and the ritual dumping of 14 inches of snow that only occurs when I need to fly somewhere - I think I am going to just cry.  There has to be some philosopher who has expanded on this thought of seasons, hell I think it is in the Bible and the Byrds wrote a song about it - but I digress.  I am not dreaming of a white Christmas, I don't want it to snow, and I would prefer that it remain 70 degrees to 88 degrees year round and would only rain from approximately one in the morning until four in the morning to meet my need for white noise whilst I sleep.  That way, I could return this Sharper Image noise maker that plays a loop of rain, a babbling brook, and a ceiling fan.  So that's what the picture is above - the view from the conference room.  Maybe it is that seasonal depression thing that is the real problem, but I am sure they will add some sort of pharmaceutical regimen to light therapy, and pretty soon, I will enjoy the seasons too.  If not, then I will enjoy staring off into space wondering why I am sitting underneath a UV lamp drooling on myself, and not really care one way or another about the seasons.  Winter is a time of blissful mediocrity.  That's what I say.  If you wish for me to expand on that thought, wait until the seasonal anti-depressants kick in.  None the less, and not to steal from Tosh O's great stand up bit about enjoying the good seasons - I have attempted to come up with the Top Ten retorts to "I love the change in seasons" - and seeing how my nerves are "excited" and I can look forward to about three hours of sleep tonight, this should be a worthwhile, low quality, mediocre endeavor....

1. "I like to gun shop in the Fall so I can kill in season animals and gut them and donate their meat to the local homeless shelters".  If this does not end you up in front of your Human Resources group, it will at least cease the discussions of why the leaves change colors, and will make for interesting talk in the break room while you are not there.

2. "My sweat really smells like Kim-Chee, you know, that Korean pickled cabbage, no matter what Deodorant I wear" could by a classic retort to "I can't wait for summer" - I can see the look of disgust on the recipients face and then the longing for a spring roll with noodles.

3. "Spring is the best time to plant at most cemeteries if you really want to make your loved ones grave sites look special" - I can only imagine this will come up with the first pastel shirt seen in the office in early March.  Note to folks who do not live in New York City - they only wear gray and black in the city year round - and that is offset by a $600 pastel tie and/or scarf.  I don't quite get that yet, in fact, I feel pretty strange in La Guardia as the only guy who wears tan dress slacks.  Don't ask me why that came up, I actually did count the number of folks who had on tan slacks, and aside from me, and the folks working at the bar/restaurant/gift shop combo, everyone else was in black or gray.

4.  "I composted my leaves into a fine earthy soil additive and used the Best Management Practices as prescribed by the EPA to rid it of any residuals that may have been leached into the soil due to the overuse of birth control hormones and antibiotics.  Then I poured diesel fuel on it and used it to smoke out birds that were crapping on my car."  Not really sure what the response is you will get for this one.  Both environmentally friendly and insensitive at the same time - don't use it in places that are north of Sacramento, West of Boise, or South of Anchorage, I think this is a fineable offense just for saying "diesel fuel" and "bird" in the same sentence.

5.  "When it gets really hot in the summer, there is nothing better than waking up to the smell of the paper mill that is close to my house".  This will only work for folks who live near or have driven by a paper mill.  You can replace it with "water treatment plant", "landfill","dairy farm:" - you get the drift.

6. "There is nothing better than a good ice storm to get the economy working again" - the fact that this makes absolutely no sense will only confuse the listener. 

7. "Spring is the best time to forage for baby bird eggs.  There is nothing better than a baby bird egg omelet.  My kids can't wait until spring, they love shooing off the mama birds with a broom and then stealing those little speckled treats.  Sometimes, we get enough eggs to have breakfast for dinner.  You know, if you get them at just the right time, you can mix them with some poke salad greens and grubs - and boy, let me tell you, there is nothing better." - The fact that you are displaying your survivalist nature and are only one step from having your own scripted Food Network Bear Grylls cooking show will not only impress folks, but will also make them back slowly away from you.

8.  "I was born in the late summer.  My folks always did have a passion for intimacy during the winter months." - This is just plain weird, not sure how folks are going to take this, but pretty sure they will have images running through their heads that are better left out of their heads.  The fact that you use "folks" and "intimacy" in the same sentence speaks of a Renaissance demeanor.

9. "I change my facebook picture whenever the seasons change.  All of my friends say they like to see me in different seasonal outfits, so I try to go to the TJ Maxx and pick out seasonal outfits while they are on sale, then I photograph myself, and then I change my profile picture.  I really like to go shopping at TJ Maxx.  They have last year's fashions at low, low prices.  The consumer price index really has held steady over the past several years, and I just don't understand how the TJ Maxx financial model can survive this long, but it sure does make it easy and affordable for me to change my Facebook picture every season so that my friends can see me in my seasonal outfits and things.  It is good to be fashionable. Does anyone want to go get some doughnuts?"  I find that throwing multiple pieces of worthless information into one sentence at one time can lead to some interesting conversations or at least end some not so interesting conversations.  Did it get quiet in here all of a sudden?

10.  "If we could just figure out a way to pump enough greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, then we could play golf and fertilize our yards with synthetic oil based fertilizers year round.  There is nothing nicer than a warm day, and lush green golf courses.  Man, it is even better in the desert, because even if they are watering the course for hours, there is no humidity, and most of the water evaporates anyway." - Show your proclivity to be insensitive to Mother Nature.

That is all I could come up.  It is two am, and I'll be damned if it is not cold outside.  Maybe another blog before a month or so, I would like to think more than 12 this year would be good.


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