Thursday, December 6, 2007

Top Ten Fun Things for the Christmas Party Person who Does Not Have to be in the Office the Next Month or So....

You know, there are unique benefits to being on the road all of the time, and one of them is that your "home" office Christmas Party is a great way to try all of those things that the lists on Job Search engines tell you not to do...

Hell, they eliminate just about all of the fun – If I heeded their advice, it would have probably eliminated my awesome impersonation of the new Indian engineer (it was done it good taste, he said something funny, and I repeated it) and the year before that the stage diving from the three piece musical ensemble the near retirees selected for our entertainment (it was just about as bad as being stuck on a transcontinental flight with only the Delta Classical station available)and the awesome display of acrobatic prowess that it takes to bowl over half of your so called co-workers (the ones that get to gome home every night, and consider it a pain in the ass to have to go to a two day seminar once every two years....)

Those lists suck – here are the 92%'er way to liven up a Christmas Party –

1. Fart on the dance floor – it is always important to fart and move – that way, in a crowded room, no one really knows who shit their pants, and the strange looks on everyone's face is (as MasterCard says) Priceless.
2. Take advantage of the open bar. It is not everyday the company is going to spring for a drink – so drink ten.
3. Dance with the office ugly person. This builds the team, and makes you look that much better.
4. Wear a spandex workout shirt and a blue blazer. Looking like you could run a marathon or go to a cocktail party has worked for several movie stars.
5. Tell your boss that you would “do” his/her spouse. Trust me on this one, if it does not win their trust, it will certainly create a lasting memory.
6. Ignore your date/significant other, and introduce them only as “the person who I tolerate on weekends” – this will make for an argument which always leads to the wonderful “make up” sex.
7. Bring pickled pigs feet and dill pickles as well as a 40 ounce bottle of King Cobra or Old English 800 or Old Milwaukee– and place them out on the food/drink table. Then stand there all night long and look at the people who actually put them on their plates.- - then say “You actually eat that crap?, I hope you brought a toothbrush!”
8. Bring Christmas Cards with condoms and pass them out to your co-workers – make sure the card says “I love working with you, but I could not take working with another one of you – Merry Christmas”
9. Wear a trucker cap that says something to the effect of “If you can read this, kiss my ass” or “I was born ugly, but you can fix ugly” or “Is it me, or do you want to be naked too” – it always is a great conversation piece.
10. Give a meaningless toast to the office much like “This year has been full and so am I – Merry Christmas”, or “Let’s reduce our carbon footprint next year, and burn off some of the dead wood around here” or “Although these glasses are not bottomless, the combined hope of our team is”

You guys give these a try – I think if you do, big promotions in the near future….

Signing off for now,


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