Friday, October 19, 2007

The First Day of my Great American Blog!!!

It is amazing how many blogs start off with "Well today I did..." - that's not what I am going to start with - I am not going to complain, bitch, piss, or moan about the current state of affairs, and I am certainly not going to post naked pictures of myself to trade with all of my future blog fans -

Instead, I am going to tell you that I travel 92% of the time. The other 8%, I spend packing, unpacking, picking up dry cleaning, replacing travel size containers (as if a travel size explosive device or combination of devices each weighing 4 oz would not create a scare), and spending as much quality time with my family that the 48 hour weekends allow. (Baseball, Gymnastics, the occassional party, and everyonce in a while I allow my intelligence to be assaulted and my wallet raped at the movie theatre).

The past year, I have been to Boston, Lexington, Louisville, Cincinnatti, New York, Seattle, Atlanta, Orlando, the Bahamas - and all points in between - and in each of these great locales I have picked up important things that I will share with you - so when I drink a few too many beers, and decide to call my wife, coworkers, datelines, the operator or just start scrolling through the phonebook, I am going to share those special moments here with you -

To start - here is my current top ten items for the 92% Traveller -

1. Don't be afraid of the middle seat. Just be afraid of the two fat asses with seatbelt extenders that are on either side of you.

2. A roll of Charmin goes a long way - especially after you have lost all of your skin to the 40 grit sandpaper they stock in most Marriott's and Hiltons.

3. Atlanta is not a bad airport, Delta is not a bad airline - you are a bad passenger. Accept this, and go pay $18 for a burger and beer that you have to eat while standing.

4. What they say about most places is true - for instance - it is always rainy in Seattle, and they do like whiskey in Kentucky. What they don't tell you is the severity of the truth - be afraid - be very afraid.

5. Don't throw your only pair of black dress shoes out of the rental car at any speed - this creates a driving hazard, and an embarrassing situation when you wear your Brooks Brothers suit and Asics running shoes to work (unless of course you are a huge fan of Jane Fonda and "9 to 5").

6. Stay with friends as often as possible - you never know when they will intrude upon your privacy - so at least get one up on them.

7. Most good Sushi is not found in strip malls. Most good bait is found in strip malls.

8. Don't be afraid to call your family - they love to hear from you, and this way they know that you are neither dead nor spending all of your savings at the local race track.

9. I have found that you cannot get wrinkles out of your clothes by hanging them in the bathroom while you shower. You can however, get your lazy ass out of bed, unfold the ironing board, iron your shirt, and then hang it in the bathroom. Somehow, this prevents the wrinkles.

10. Finally, don't be cheap and not bring the family something home from your trips - all hotels have free toothbrushes and toothpaste at the front desk, and you should see the joy in my kids faces when I give them their bounty every Friday afternoon.

That's the best advice I can give right now. I am in somewhat of a good mood, and I am sure that as these blogs get more or less frequent, that you will get the opportunity to see both sides of my internal coin, but for now, take my advice and cherish it - wisdom is only as good as the folks that learn from it....

Until next time -


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