Cigarettes and Camelias....

That's what things seem to be about these days - you walk down a sidewalk in some city, and the Camelias have covered the sidewalk in a rosy pink carpet, and they still smell up the place with their perfume, they still make things a little fresher - and you walk down that same sidewalk, and the next thing you know, you step over the smoking sidewalk - and the camelias are replaced by cigarette butts - it was the same sidewalk, not ten feet away from each other - now you see, I am a smoker, but I am also someone who thinks that you should put your shit in the trash, and that you should not flick cigarettes into the gutter, and you probably should not stand in the same spot every day and drop your cigarettes in the same spot and build up a huge nasty stack of stinking waste -

That's life in most cases, you run through a pile of camelia blooms that have gathered beneath the tree, they move in the wind, they brighten up an otherwise dingy sidewalk covered with old gum and empty candy wrappers - and then, right next to it, a pile of old cigarettes stacked up - the two things could not be more different, but they exist in the same place.

I have been having a rough afternoon.  Dealing with both ex's - and neither of them seems to be rational, or even slightly reminded that they had a part in stirring the camelia leaves and dumping a few cigarette butts along - the way.  Some people just don't get it - they don't have to work everyday somewhere different, they don't have to try and make some sort of life on the road to bring home the salary or secure a better future for their kids - they believe that it is owed to them.  I struggle with this - and hope one day, that they wake up, and something tells them that they got a more than fair deal, that they did make a mistake - and that, all things considered, they ended up with more than they really ever deserved or ever gave back to those around them.  I hate to go into bitterness, particularly on Sunday afternoons, I don't get Sunday afternoons often enough, and to get a legalese letter threatening me for paying too much - and spending too much time - I just don't understand it.  I can imagine my old in-laws - righteous and shmarmy, standing in front of their Amelia home, making a point to tell their self righteous daugther that she has every right to take everything from me, that she somehow deserves it - that's where I have a hard time - what do I deserve - it is not a situation of fairness, it is a situation of that "reverse entitlement" - they believe they deserve it because they obviously earned it - what about me - I earn it every week - I put it in the bank every week - I send the payment every week - and in return, I get irrational conversation followed up by fits of batting eyes and smiles to get their way -

I hate the fact that I have to go to court to beg for relief.  I hate the fact that my money is her money - she did not do anything to deserve it - she had two children - that's it - granted, some might say dealing with me was enough - but dealing with them, I should get some consideration - instead, I get a roomful of family friend attorney's and their self promoting sense of "right" that permeates (and they are so openly exposed to) in their entrenchments in Julington, Vail, and Amelia. 

I heard a good song last night from Hank III - P.F.F.  - I have included it in this post - just for the sole reason that this is how they make me feel - I know it is a bit trashy, and little rednecky, but hell - they gotta understand this is how the last three years of marriage went - pretty much they (inclusive of the gang of them) got me to the point where the only fun things left to do were pretty much what Hank III says...

Now that I have a few more hobbies that are a little healthier - it sure would be nice to get some of my money back to enjoy them - and to be able to spend a little bit of money on my kids along the way.

Note to self - no one ever said getting divorced was fun, no one ever said that it was easy, and no one said you would never have to deal with those folks again, but thank god for agreements, and not having to spend the night ever again in that hell hole.

I feel better now, if only slightly.