Is the last fucking thing all of us travellers need - we get it in several forms, from the congenial and sterile, "Ohhhh, I am soooo sorry to hear about that", (just so everyone knows, I am not), and the great jokers, "Well now that your ex is free, can I take her out", (the answer by the way is yes, please take her out, please wine and dine her, and please pick up the alimony payments...), and finally the great patronizer, "Is there anything I can do for you to help" - besides the above, perhaps hooking me up with a pair of bi-curious lesbians who need a somewhat overweight balding middle aged guy to spice up their party - then the best thing you can do is just go back to your cubicle and get your work done. However, I digress.
There are more things that we all need to have in our backpacks besides skeletons as we navigate these new waters of meeting people and trying to create some some sort of relationship that does not lead to out of wedlock childbirth, drug addiction, prison, or being caught up in the latest kidney sales scam. That is why I, yes the purveyor of bad relationship advice, is taking it upon myself to make this list today for you to print, laminate, and keep in your luggage. If you like, you can add a signature, witness, and notary line to it - and present it to every potential suitor or suited you meet - that way the cigar is lit, and there is no way you can ever argue about the covered topics again - let us begin....
1. You must at all times wear a red light, a green light, or a yellow light. For women - green means, "I am ready for you to approach me. You may piss me off or make me happy, but hey, at least I am ready to deal with a prick like you". Yellow - "I am three days away from my period, my ex-husband is fucking my best girlfriend, I am undervalued at work by my male boss, and I am bloated. If you approach me, I will contemplate, not actually, stick your balls in a vice and see how far I can twist until one of them explodes." Red - "If you are a priest, then pray for me. Satan has possessed every inch of my personality, and I even believe I could possibly be turning into the c-word that I hate". For Men - Green, "I am horny, and have very little money, but I would entertain dinner and a movie before sex." Yellow - "I am horny and have very little money, but I would entertain dinner before sex.", Red - "I am horny and have very little money, can you put bait on my fishing hook and take that god forsaken death trap that doctors call a vagina away from me before I give away the other half of my shit."
2. Telephones are for two things - lying and phone sex. Skip the "hello" and "good morning" and "I can't wait to see you" and especially skip the "I hope you feel better" - of course you hope they feel better - if not, you probably would not be calling. For women, call when you are shopping and spending way to much money, and say "I am at the gym" - for men, call when you are at the strip club, and say "I cannot stop thinking about how wonderful you look in a bathing suit". That is what phones are for - I think it will make folks appreciate face time a little more.
3. Text Messages - Are for teenagers. At 37, the only text message any man should be getting should be "You are approaching your limit on your credit card" as they throw hundred dollars bills into a slot machine or a bar fly. For women, the only text message they get should be, "Your birth control prescription is ready for pick up, thanks for shopping Walgreens."
4. Flowers, Chocolate, Stuffed Animals, and nice things are for couples not yet swayed and disillusioned (or re-illusioned) about the dating scene. Men should buy thoughtful, yet expensive gifts - such as baseball tickets, football tickets, VIP Passes to the nightclubs, liquor, condoms and lube, and especially my favorite, treat your date to TWO things off of the 99 cent menu. Women - hell, who am I kidding - women don't have to buy shit - they control everything in a relationship (hence the red light, yellow light, green light system).
5. Exotic trips should be fulfilling to both people in the relationship -Men understand that they may not get laid, and you may be a bitch during the trip, and that is why you are rarely invited. (Hint Hint for the ladies who see friends go on exotic trips) Women understand they have the choice to take the trip and put out, and as number 4 says, have a pretty good time for twenty minutes of suffering.
6. Bars are a great place to meet people if you like drunk folks with vomit breath and who are either going to cry, vomit, fall, smoke in your house, or forget where and who they are and with - save the bars for real things, like drinking, which you will be doing alot of. (this goes for both men and women).
7. Don't waste your time trying to impress someone - trust me, in ten years, when both of your guts are hanging out of your shirt, and you are sleeping through church - all of those holidays you went to church and the went on a run with your future mate really are not going to matter. For men, Fart on the first date and say something catchy like "Man, that one smells like refried ass that was filtered through a dead raccoon" - Women, scratch your groin, and mention that you can't seem to kick that itchy dry feeling you get, then every once in a while stick your hand in your armpit at dinner, and then smell it right before reaching into the chips and salsa bowl. Remember, you are not trying to impress anyone anymore - you did that once remember?
8. Always forget important things - like bedtime hours. Nothing says I want to be with you more than a four am phone call from a street corner in New Orleans or Vegas that conveys "I am flashing my johnson/tits for plastic beads and free beer." Show them that you love to have fun and let them know you care while doing it...
9. Randomly mention arguments and problems with your ex that are extremely similar to what your target is doing - for instance, when cooking, say something like "Boy my ex sure used to do a better job at that", or "Hell, if I wanted to put up with a mouth like that, I would have stayed married." or "Hey, my ex used to do this really neat thing with lube, toothpaste, and a bag of jellybeans - do you think you can learn it?" - these make sure that no one in the relationship gets a really big head and feels like they can say or do anything to you.
10. Boundaries - both men and women should sort of build those invisible fences that shock the living shit out of dogs when they try and cross them. This can be done by actually requiring those who date you to wear a collar that shocks the shit out of them when they do something you don't like (or just when you feel sadistic), or for those of us who are now on a budget because we have maxed out the credit cards - we can - Women - slight, gentle kick to the balls.(NOTE - A kick harder than slight or gentle may end you and your date up in prison for a long time) Men - A demeaning comment about their clothing (I saw a dress just like that at the consignment shop - did you get it there?) (NOTE - There may be tears initially, but at least the let downs will not be a surprise in future years)
So why did I write these ten simple steps - easy - I want to save each of us the hassle of not knowing what we are getting into - the fact is, that real relationship advice is about as good as the chauvinistic crap I just wrote above, and not nearly as funny. New relationships are tough - when you are gone half of the time on the road, and the other half with your children, there ain't a whole hell of alot of time to develop anything else - but there is the cautionary advice of measure twice before you cut....that's about as good as it gets. We can all go out and take personality profiles, get matched to Mr. or Ms. Perfect, and find at the end of the day, it still really really sucks to find that your perfect match still does stupid things, can be a bitch/prick, or just fails to hit the mark in some areas - the best thing about all of this, is remember - you move on in a week or so, and you don't have that much time - so spend it wisely, make sure to cherish it and appreciate it, and if you can't without corrupting it with being pissed off, saying something stupid, or just plain ruining a good thing - well, then it is probably best that you don't spend the time at all.
There you have it travellers, more worldly advice from someone who, like most of you, is unpacking Friday's bag, repacking Monday's bag, and just going to take a weekend to soak up 48 hours of whatever we may call home.
Until next time -
G
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