Wednesday, January 27, 2010

This ain't no Great Valhalla....



Now, call me crazy, but I think Annie Lennox and David Gray hit this right on the head - you know, things just don't work out the way we plan, and sometimes things work out - but generally, the best thing to do is worry about that shit later, and just keep on Truckin...(if any of my faithful readers have one of those t-shirts, hey how's about letting me have it - I don't care if it is a little too small, I think I look good in halter top like t-shirts...)

Anyway, been a little manic lately, on the fast track to try and accomplish five hundred things in the course of 16 productive hours - and between the caffiene crash and the never ending circular reference in my mind, it seems appropriate to talk a little bit about those periods of time when we get to moving so fast, the sweat of our brow evaporates before it drips down into your eyes - so with that linguistic beauty of an introduction, I proudly present the newest, and in my opinion, one of the best top ten lists:

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU NEED LESS WORK TO DO AND A DISTRACTION

1. Now, I would not normally recommend this, and in Northern Climates, it is not such a big deal, but for us Southerners (I have done this - on a dare) - dress up in a black turtleneck, a black pair of long pants, military style boots, and a black ski cap.  (You could use a mask, but then you become a target) - get a black knapsack, and about $400 in cash.  You then walk up to the counter at your local banks, reach into the black bag, and ask for travellers cheques.  Watch the reactions...

2.  Go buy two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and stand right outside of the Krispy Kreme trying to sell the doughnuts.  I have found this to be more effective if you ask for one of the paper hats they give the kids.

3.  In the summer, just go sit at the baby pool.  No kids, no nothing, just move a chair over to the baby pool and lay out.  I think it freaks moms out.

4.  Go shopping at Publix.  Get a shopping cart, and pretend, if you had all of the money in the world, what you would put in the cart.  Then, just leave the cart - full of crap, but before you go, ask the customer service to hold it for you, and then go back the next day, and see if it is there - if it is, leave, if it is not, ask where your groceries went.

5.  Sign your friends and co-workers up for Match.com, Singles.com, Ashleymadison.com - and make sure you give them a cool profile.  I have had this done to me, and aside from the constant slough of emails and wondering why in the hell I was getting emails from married women, it is a pretty good distraction coming  up with descriptions.

6.  Three words - Vietnamese Karoake Bar

7.  This is a good one, and really impresses everyone.  Ride your bicycle up to the local pub, and park it next to all of the motorcycles (this works best around 9pm on a Friday night when everyone is smoking) - and then polish the chrome with the sleeve of your shirt.

8.  Blog.  Not about anything important - just write some stuff down, paste it to Facebook, and see what happens.

9.  Go into an adult toy store, and ask them if they have anything that can assist you in killing the pain associated with allergies to latex, or if they have a wooden assortment.  Trust me, usually this gets a great reaction - as the clerk tries to choke back the laughter, you continue to describe the condition and its ramifications.

10.  On open mike night, take a tamborine, and when the folks start to play, you just raise hell and party on your tamborine - this is more effective in a Viagra or Budweiser NASCAR jacket - if you don't get your ass kicked, you can actually have a great time.

Now, I would not post anything that I have not tried, and it would be a disservice if I told you that all of these ideas are accepted with open arms and by a loving crowd of folks who enjoy your lack of better things to do - words like "jackass" or "dumbass" or "shithead" may be uttered, but trust me, they utter them in the sheer jealous emotion and lack of creativity on their part for entertaining themselves...

Go back to work, and dream of things to do, when you have too much to do...

George

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